in her shoes

Last night, I attended a food give away at a local church (Love, Inc at Kirksville Church of the Nazarene).  It was a unique experience.  All around the perimeter of the church gym were huge boxes and crates of donated supplies.  The people that were filing through looked like they had walked out of the “people of Walmart” website, a page that my friends and I have made fun of in the past.  The volunteers were of many ages and walks of life- the elderly, families, Truman students, and KCOM students.

Those who came for supplies arrived at the church as early as noon, although the doors would not open until 5pm.  They were given a card according to their need that they were to show at each station.  They were then filed in one gym door, greeted by smiling people, and herded around the room where they picked up donated items from toilet paper to potatoes to cheese to salad.  Then a lovely young high school or college student would push the old cart to their vehicle, and they would be sent on their way.

I suppose I’ve done things before that could qualify as “charity work.”  I’ve cleaned in ghetto communities in Chicago.  I’ve roofed a house in West Virginia.  I’ve hung out with the homeless in St. Louis.  And whatever else I’ve done… but it was always me, offering a service.  Not me, placing myself in their shoes.

That is, until last night.

Because there were an abnormally large number of volunteers, I just hung out against a wall waiting to relieve one of the other workers.  Finally, I was asked to push a cart for a woman who was not only gathering items for herself, but also for her mother.  As I plodded ahead of her through the line, people greeted me warmly, and asked me if I needed granola bars or diapers. 

In that moment, my pride reared up its ugly head.  "They think it's for me!" I realized.  My first response was to look away, for the mere fact of not knowing how to respond.  I wanted to say, “I need you to know that this isn’t for me!  I don’t need this kind of help!  I am self-sufficient!”

I continued around the perimeter, picking up bags of salad and containers of yogurt for a woman I may never meet, and I was ashamed to be in her shoes.   

Mostly though, I was embarrassed for my inward reaction.

On the way out the door of the gym, where the kids were lined up in their bright orange vests to push the carts full of groceries out to the cars, a church lady handed a bouquet of tulips to each individual that walked out the doors.

At first, I thought to myself, “Flowers won’t keep them full this week.”

But then I glanced at the lady behind me, before I passed off her mother’s cart to a high school student.

As the woman with the tired face and the dirty coat accepted the bouquet of tulips, she looked up and she smiled.

Sweet Lord Jesus, 

What does it mean to be full?  What do we need to be filled with?  Oh Jesus, I need to be filled with humility and compassion.  I need grace and understanding for myself, and to give to others. 

For the woman whose cart I filled,I ask that you would fill her with Your love and grace.  And through that, Father, I ask that she would be filled with hope, and with food, and with the ability to carry on. 

I thought I was figuring this out, Lord, but apparently I'm not doing very well.  Please teach me to serve without discriminating.  Help me to give without holding back.  

Teach me to love as You have first loved me.

Amen.

gettin' the wisdom it takes...

"The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.

Though it cost all you have, get understanding." 

Proverbs 4:7

There are some days that I’m not sure if I can become a doctor.  Today might be one of them.

We’re just starting to learn things that have direct clinical applications.  Often the differences between helping and hindering a patient’s health are very subtle.  I think to myself, “I can’t ever remember this for a test, let alone to save someone’s life!” 

“I don’t have the knowledge or the wisdom to do this.  I wish I were a stay at home mom.”

My mom and dad at my white coat ceremony

But then I think about my mom.  She stayed at home with all 5 of us kids.  I’m pretty sure we drove (drive) her to insanity sometimes.  But despite our craziness, she (with the help of Dad, of course) has seen to it that we’re all well-behaved (for the most part), intelligent (according to some), and compassionate (most of the time) individuals.  Most importantly, she has taught us to seek the Lord. 

I think it must be scary to raise kids.  I’m sure moms are continually wondering if they have enough wisdom and knowledge to guide their kids through the craziness of growing up.

Maybe I’ll stick with being a doctor for now.

Regardless, I need some more wisdom.  It sure is a good thing that God promises to give it when we ask!

 

the crazies

"This is what the Lord says: 

'Choose my instruction instead of silver,

 knowledge rather than choice gold,

for wisdom is more precious than rubies,

and nothing you desire can compare with her.'" 

Prov. 8:10-11

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5

Freedom of Choice

For whom will you make your choice?

The people stare, 

They whisper

They assume

They’re rude

Your future is put on hold all because of a 

Choice that you already made

Just once or twice to cross a line

The choice is yours to make

For whom will you choose?

For the boy who chose

To woo you and sway you

To the point of conception?

He may choose to love you

To take care of you

No matter what you choose

He may not.

Will he help as you choose?

There’s a stirring inside.

You just can’t quite feel it

She has fingernails now

And a heart

You just can’t quite hear it

But you will soon, if you so choose

She won’t be able to choose 

Whether or not to take her first breath

But someday, 

She might choose between a pink and purple shirt

She might choose to like marshmallows better than cheerios

(and she probably will)

Someday she’ll choose

To be in band or sports

Someday she’ll want to choose 

Who to go with to the homecoming dance

She’ll choose a college to attend

And a career to pursue

Her choices might not be
What you would have for her

Her choices may make you
(or another mother) angry sometimes

But often, her choices
Will make you (or her) proud

I know

Decisions are hard

This one is heavy

But the time has come now- for whom will you chose?

You have the freedom of choice, but on whose behalf will it be made?

And what about me?

I choose to stand by your side no matter the decision

I will choose to keep that promise

“This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him.”  Deuteronomy 30:19-20

lost [in] wonder

When was it that I lost my sense of wonder?  Only a few months ago, I wrote in my journal about the goofy sense of awe that I inherited from my mother, about the things that cause me to stop and catch my breath.  

Here I am, a quarter and a bit of medical school later.  Less than one week past Christmas break.  I should be refreshed and ready to learn, right?

Wrong.  

I’m burnt out.  My brain hurts.  I begrudgingly attend classes.  Did I really at one point anticipate learning each day?  I seem to have lost my wonder.

Ahh... phototransmission...

I first noticed it the other day when we learned the basics of the biochemistry of vision.  Something that is so ridiculously intricate should make my jaw drop in complete amazement.  Instead, my jaw started complaining to my neighbor about how many steps and enzymes we’d have to memorize.

Who is that girl?  It can’t be me.  I know I’ve never been the best learner, and I often just memorize to memorize.  But this?  I am learning about the human body, for crying out loud!  This is something that fascinates me!  Or at least it used to.

Last night, I took some time to revisit some of my favorite Scriptures about God’s involvement in creation.

Dr. Iler (Head of the Chemistry Department at GC) used to open the first day of his classes by reading this verse: 

“It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings.”  Proverbs 25:2

He’d tell us that we have a royal privilege to be able to seek out the very things that God created for us to discover.  “It’s like a treasure hunt,” he’d say.

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Janelle T. taught me this verse as a song while we sat around a campfire in her backyard.  I often used to find myself humming the little tune (that she probably came up with while washing the dishes) as I studied.  I want to hear it in my head again.

“Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.”  Psalm 40:5

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I learned this verse in song form as well, from the Doughnut Man.  (Yes, the Doughnut Man).  I would shake my little limbs around the room, not really understanding that I was praising the one who created all of my “parts and pieces.”  I thought of this verse last night as I studied the attachment points of each upper limb muscle to the appropriate place on the underlying bony structures.  Yes, indeed, it is:

 “in him we live and move and have our being” Acts 17:28

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I quoted this verse in the journal entry that I wrote after my first week of medical school.  I was in complete awe of the opportunity I had to learn so many amazing details about the human body.  I praised with the Psalmist:

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  Psalm 139:13-14

I anticipated that knowing “full well” would become even fuller.

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Now here I am, wondering how to find my wonder.  Wonder… it has so many subtle meanings…

Wonder… to have a wish or desire to know something

Wonder… the feeling aroused by something strange or exciting

Wonder… to express doubtful speculation

Wonder… to be amazed or curious

I want all of those to be present in the academic portion of medical school.  I do not want to be dragged down by the tedium of the mile long to-do list that haunts my weekend.  I want to rejoice in the creation, glorify the Creator, and apply the knowledge I'm gaining for the service of those around me.

Sounds like a tall order to me.

For Christmas, Jeremy’s parents gave me this pretty bracelet that is inscribed with the words, “Dreams become reality one choice at a time.”

So today?  Today, I will chose to be lost in wonder.

Beautiful

Last summer, Pastor Mike told a story about a young man who had been blind from birth.  Over time, he met a girl.  A very special girl.  He and this girl fell in love.  This girl was the daughter of a well-respected surgeon.  As he asked his future son-in-law questions about his vision impairment, the doctor realized that with a fairly simply surgery, this young man would be able to see.  Shortly before the wedding, the young man was able to undergo the surgery. 

The doctor that performed the surgery offered to take the bandages off his eyes a few days early so that he would be able to be visually involved in the days prior to the wedding ceremony.  He opted to wait to have the bandages removed only moments before taking his place at the altar, seconds before his bride walked down the aisle on her father’s arm.  The first face that his eyes focused on was that of his bride.  As she approached the front of the church, he clasped her hands and whispered in awe, 

“My love, you are far more beautiful than I could have imagined.”

On occasion, I become frustrated because I cannot see the face of my God.  How am I to believe in the unseen?   People say that He is beautiful, and that they see Him all around them.  I suppose that is true, but I can’t actually SEE Him.  I think I "see" Him as I see the wind- I cannot actually see the wind itself, but I watch as its effects sweep across the prairie.  

But I think that is only a shadow of the beauty of Jesus.  Nature’s beauty, as well as the beautiful examples we have from His life, are only a mere glimpse of who He truly is.

Sometimes I wonder what it will be like when I first catch a glimpse of Him.  I try to imagine the glory of those first few moments together- His face containing the beauty of the sunrise and the stars and the flowers and the mountains and smiles and all things beautiful all added together, emitting an ethereal glow.

*sigh*  But that is only my imagination.

Someday... someday, I will see Him.

Someday, I will have the blinders removed from my eyes as I enter the throne room for the wedding of the church to the Lamb.  I imagine that I will walk down the pathway to where He waits for me in utter awe.  My eyes have just been opened to invisible.  I imagine that I too will say something like, 

“My love, you are far more beautiful than I could have imagined.”  

Actually, I’ll probably be speechless.

Beautiful by Phil Wickham

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You're beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It's all proclaiming who You are
You're beautiful

I see You there hanging on a tree
You bled and then You died and then you rose again for me
Now You are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful

I see Your face, I see Your face, I see Your face
You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful