Astonishing

Imagine that you’re listening to your car radio, and the opening notes of a song flow through the speakers.  You know that you recognize the melody, but you haven’t heard enough to identify the artist or the song.  However, that “not knowing” only occurs for a few seconds, because shortly you’ve figured it out and are singing along at the top of your lungs as you drive down the road.

Or imagine this- you have made a check list of important things to do.  One by one, you check them off.  The line has been drawn through the item.  The task is complete.

I’ve always held both of those instances in a place of awe and wonder.  What happens at the moment of recognition?  What sparks that “knowing”?  Why does it strike me in such a profound manner that once I know, I can’t go back to not knowing?  And what happens in the time between making a checklist and completing it?  Matter is moved.  One transcends from planning to having completed.  Once something is done, and done well, there is no reason to place it back on the checklist.

In each instance, I am caught off guard by the brevity of life.  For some reason, it is small things like listening to the radio or slogging through my “to dos” that remind me of the fluidity of our days so vividly. 

Perhaps this is why I was so caught off guard yesterday.  I found myself in a dressing room, selecting new clothing for our honeymoon.  I stood there, staring at myself in the mirror in complete shock. 

“How did I get from the place in which I was convinced I would never be married to a complete confidence that I had found the man of my dreams?  What happened at that moment of discovery?  What sparked that knowing?  And why is it just now striking me that now that I know, I can’t (and don’t want to) go back to not knowing?”

“What happened in the moments between being a flighty girl who was astounded by even the recognition of a song on the radio and becoming a young woman so caught up in her day-to-day checklist that she had not yet been confronted by the absolute wonder that she is about to be married?”

I asked Jeremy last night what happened during those in-between moments.  He smiled, and began to recount the details of when he noticed me, of how we began dating, of our long distance relationship, of our proposal, and now, planning our wedding.  Those moments in-between are sacred.

It’s no wonder that if merely identifying a song on the radio has the capability of leaving me feeling speechless that the realization that I am about to marry someone I respect, love and value should shake me to the core.  Those moments in-between are sacred.  There is a complete awe that comes from the difference of not knowing and knowing.  There is a wonder in the realization that matter has moved, one transcends from one moment to the next.  You can’t go back.  Nor would you necessarily want to. 

Being confronted with the brevity of life and how quickly is passes is astonishing.  But knowing that I now know the man that has promised to love me as long as we both shall live?

 

It is perhaps the most astounding realization of all.

 

 

Feeble Halleluiah

I’m talking, I’m talking, then I stop to listen

All I hear is an echo- God what am I missing?

I try to be faithful, I try to be pure.

God, where are you now when my faith is unsure?

So I build up an alter- each stone is a memory

Of Your faithfulness, and of Your goodness to me

Tangible stones provided by You

When all I can offer is a feeble “Halleluiah”

I’m tossing, I’m turning.  The doubts close in tight

God, I really can’t handle another sleepless night

The voices of demons seem to drown out Your voice

I don’t want to listen, help me make the choice

To build up an alter- each stone is a promise

Of Your faithfulness and of Your loving kindness

These tangible stones have witness to bear

That You didn’t leave; You are still there

I may wander through deserts more vast than this one

And I pray that each time to the alter I’ll run

Where I’ll kneel by this alter- each stone a reminder

Of Your graciousness, and how You have provided

These tangible stones stand to remind me

That you are still present; You’re always beside me

These tangible stones have witness to bear

That You didn’t leave; You are still there

Tangible stones provided by You

When all I can offer is a feeble “Halleluiah”

Wedding Planning

(March 2012)

I just completed my Spring Break wedding planning extravaganza.  Wanna know something?  Wedding planning can be stressful!  I am a big idea kind of girl- I have no problem seeing the overall vision, but when it comes to planning out each little detail, I get ridiculously bogged down.

I am so thankful that I have such a detail oriented fiancé who makes amazing Excel spreadsheets and a mother who is very detail-oriented.  If we make it through this wedding, it will be because of the grace of God and those detail-filled spreadsheets, I’m sure.

Because I will be taking boards the week before the wedding, and because of a small budget and our simple style, we are trying to keep our wedding as minimalistic as possible.  Shortly after we became engaged, I decided to make a list of the details that I absolutely would not budge on for the wedding.  Everything else would be ancillary.

1)      I want to wear my mom’s wedding dress.  My parents’ wedding anniversary is on July 4^th, and as a part of our Independence Day celebration when I was a little girl, my mom would try on her dress.  I will never forget the awe I’d experience each time I looked up at my mommy, wearing her beautiful white lacey dress.  Sometimes, she’d even let me wear her veil.  It is also important to be that I wear white, as a symbol of the purity that God, myself, and my sweet fiancé have so carefully guarded.

2)      I want us to be surrounded by people we love and people who love us- those who have helped us become the people who we are today.

3)      At the end of the day, I want to be married to my best friend, my college sweetheart, encourager, my love.

There are plenty of other small details that take up much of the time and budget of the day, and they will hopefully add to the beauty and enjoyment, but they’re not the most important.

As we plan, I can’t help but liken the approach of our wedding to the approach of the wedding of the Church to Christ.  There are many aspects of this life that demand our time and energy, and many of those things add to the beauty and enjoyment of our earthly experience.  However, in the end, there are a few things that matter most:

1)      That we are wearing white.  The Bible states that God is pure and holy, and cannot be in the presence of sin.  Only those who are pure as well will be able to participate in the marriage to Christ.  I’m not perfect.  I am unworthy of a marriage so holy.  That’s why Jesus came to die- so that we could be made pure.

2)      That we are surrounded by those we love, and those who love us.  How I wish that every single person that I care for would experience the love of Christ and His saving grace!  How I pray that they will all be at this wedding.

3)      At the end of the world, when all is said and done, that I get to spend eternity with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I am so thankful that it is because of Christ that I will be able to stand before Jeremy on our wedding day as a bride wearing white.  It is because of His grace that I am seen as pure- from the inside out.  I am thankful that through the gift of God, we have so many friends and relatives who have supported us and cared for us throughout our whole lives.  I am very excited to have individuals from the different areas of our lives together in one celebration.  I am so grateful to God for allowing me to be loved by a godly man who wants to spend the rest of his life encouraging me to be more like Christ.

Switching to an eternal perspective, I am so thankful that it is through the blood of Christ that I will, one day, stand before God spotless.  I am thankful that it is through the prompting of God, and the working of the Holy Spirit, that many that I love will be present with me at our wedding to the Lamb.  I pray that I am involved in inviting many more to that celebration.  I am so thankful that I am loved by the Creator of the Universe who loves me enough to sacrifice everything so that I can spend eternity with Him.

Because of all the above reasons, both the wedding day priorities and the eternal priorities, I know that whether it rains, or whether the cake tips over or my mascara runs or whatever else could go wrong on our wedding day, Christ will be glorified.  May our wedding day and our marriage serve to further His kingdom on earth as it is in heaven.

Amen.

Wave Pool

(written in January, 2012)

The waves dance playfully around my ankles.  “Come in and play!” is what they seem to say.  I waded deeper into the pool.  I dislike cold water, but I knew my body would get used to it soon.

Too cold.  Not cold enough for my body to get used to it quickly.  Without going numb, that is.

Whoops!  The waves are getting bigger.  They’re just generated by a machine.  They’re predictable.  However, they caught me by surprise.   Thrown off balance, I stumbled into a fellow wave pool swimmer.  He was less than pleased.  Just a little tipsy.  That’s all I got.  I was fine, really.  He just didn’t think so.

So I waded in deeper.  Foolish to go back now.  The people around me squeal with delight as another wave comes- bigger this time.  They are poised and ready.  I think I am, yet I truly am not.

You see, I was able to touch the bottom moments ago.  I was in a place where my feet were secure.  Yet, as the waves grow bigger, I seem to shrink smaller.  This next one looks like its about to crash over my head.

Choke!  Cough!  Sputter!  Now I struggle to keep my head above the water.  I’ve been carried by the powerful, yet artificial current into the deep end of the pool.  

Each time I go under, I spend a little bit more time beneath the surface, and less time with my face above the water.  I might not be strong enough for this.

Stupid wave pool.

Strong hands lift me up by my elbows, forcing me to the surface.  They’re going under too.  But somehow they always make it back to the surface- even while assisting me.  A swift grab on my swimsuit was what it took the next time to bring me above the water.  Slightly uncomfortable, but at least I got a good breath of air.

Okay.  Here’s the game plan.  All you have to do is ride this thing for another 5 months, keep breathing, and dog paddle with a little bit greater frequency with every passing moment.  Then, at the very end, you’re going to need to rise up out of the waves and surf.  Then, the waves will die down, and you’ll be able to breathe for a few minutes.  And don’t forget to look great in your bathing suit. 

Then, because this is a synthetic wave pool, the waves will come crashing again.

Only, this time, you’ll be a little stronger.  You’ll be the one pushing people up out of the water.  And you’ll be able to keep your head up as well.

You’ll make it.

You always do.

But that doesn’t make the waves any less scary.

Study

(early December, 2011)

It’s strange to be in a class that is made up almost entirely of overachievers.  Even those of us who don’t classify ourselves to be extreme in our achievement are probably still a wee bit more high strung than the average population.  It seems to be the nature of the people that medical education establishments attract.

It’s getting to be that point in our education where we sign up for our first round of Board examinations.

Oh boy.  Signing up to take a test over two packed years of school.

My classmates are strategizing, planning, studying, lamenting- and we haven’t even filled out the paperwork yet.  Of course, when I hear everyone comparing game plans, I start to feel panic settle in.

“What?!  They’ve been studying for how long?!”

“They study how many hours per day?  Are there even that many hours in a day?”

“They deprive themselves of that to get in more study time?

It’s easy to feel inadequate around here.  I’ll admit, I had a case of inadequacy yesterday.  I sat down with my daily schedule and tried to figure out where I could squeeze in more study time.

Through my tears, it was as if a verse was laid before my eyes. 

“Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”  (2 Timothy 2:15)

That’s funny.  I don’t normally think in King James.

Here’s the version I most recently memorized this verse in:

“Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.”

That’s what’s important.  That I’m studying to make sure that I have God’s approval.  I need to get to the end of the day and know that I have nothing to be ashamed of- that I have applied my time in a way that honors my Lord.  Some days, that means doing nothing but studying.  Some days, that means taking time off to serve a friend.  Some days, I’m the friend who needs served. 

All I can do is my best, or as the New King James version says, “be diligent.”  I’m not always at my best.  I don’t always manage my time as wisely as I should.  But I’m getting better.  And by God’s grace, time is redeemed.  God is at work, in my school work, and in spite of my school work.  Through me and in spite of me. 

In those situations, I do not always correctly handle the Word of truth that I have been given.  Lord, teach me to do so.  Give me a hunger for Your word. 

Responsibility

(written in November of 2011)

I have two friends who have become pregnant this year.  Actually, one delivered her beautiful baby boy early this week, and I expect that the other will be headed to the hospital within the next few days.  The thought of potentially carrying a child terrifies me.  It seems like every disease and syndrome we learn about is 100x worse for pregnant women.  Oh.  And morning sickness.  I get nauseated thinking about it.  Yes, pregnant women have a lovely glow- absolutely radiant, but then there’s the moments that they’re retching over the toilet.  Lovely.  Cravings.  Let’s not forget them.  Unhealthy and strange.  I’m sure they’d head straight to my baby-filled middle.  And the hormone fluctuations?  I’m already a basket case as it is. 

It must be lovely sometimes to sit back and think that a life- a human life- is forming inside you.  But other times that might be just plain strange.

The closer and closer to your due date, the larger you become.  Varicose veins, hemorrhoids, back aches, incontinence, exhaustion.  You just want the kid out of you. 

And birthing… I’m not sure I can accurately describe it, as I’ve never gone through it.  I’ve just heard it’s miserable. 

And then once you have the baby?  Then what?  You love it, I suppose.  But it’s a lot of work.  You’ve never had a kid before.  And they’re demanding.  And you don’t know what they want.  And you don’t sleep much.  And they keep growing and wrapping your life up in theirs.  And then they grow up and go away, but they’re still a part of you.

I bet every parent wonders at some stage in it all that they had no idea what they were getting themselves into.

I’m not saying that it’s not worth it, or that they don’t know it’s worth it.  I’m just saying that every parent probably doubts themselves sometimes.

I kind of feel that way about medical school right now.  Like I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into.  I’m not saying that I regret it, or that it’s not going to be worth it someday.

I’m just saying that I doubt myself some days.

Medical school is merely the pregnancy phase.  There are times when I catch a glimpse of myself in my professional dress, complete with my beautiful white coat, and I think, “Wow.  You were made for this.  You’re glowing!”  Then there are other times, those in which I’m hunched over a stack of tear stained notes on yet another lonely Friday night.  It seems like every little vice becomes amplified.  Patience?  I’ve lost it.  Graciousness?  Hard to come by.  Anxiety?  Plenty of it.  Tears?  Enough to bathe in some nights.   And the cravings (+ cortisol)… it IS all going straight to my middle. 

It is a beautiful thing, to sit back and realize what depths of knowledge are growing and forming in the recesses of my brain.  Sometimes it’s just terrifying.

The closer you get to the delivery of your med school baby, the more painful it becomes.  Boards, board, boards.  No epidural will take away the reality.

But then once you’ve made it into the clinical world, what do you do?  It’s a whole new world of late nights and not knowing what to do for people who can’t tell you exactly what they need.  They don’t come with a manual or anything.  Thankfully, the infant career seems to be a fairly forgiving thing… to some extent.  These are people’s lives we’re talking about!

And once that illusive license becomes yours- what do you do with it?  Practice, I guess.   You’ve planned and prepared.  But no amount of preparation fully prepares you for the weight of responsibility.  You nurture it, pour your life into it.  Even as it grows away from you in your old age, it is still a part of you.  You will still be asked whether or not they should take the kid to the emergency room.  You still might be asked to do a consult on a small growth on a foot in the grocery store.

You see, once you birth the knowledge of improving and saving lives, it is yours forever.  To love and to cherish.  To discipline.  To raise for the benefit society.

“There is a curious paradox that no one can explain.

Who understands the secrets of the reaping of the grain?

Who understands why spring is born out of winter's laboring pain?

Or why we all must die a bit before we grow again?”

-The Fantasticks

Candles

I love candles.  I have them in every room of my apartment.  Granted, my apartment is small.  But still.  I have lots of candles.  When I get stressed (which, unfortunately is often), I like to light one or two.  The flicker of the flame and the wafting scent calm my strung out nerves.

I couldn’t help but think of a few mentions of small light sources in the New Testament.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”  Matthew 5:14-16

My candles in my apartment serve to merely boost the ambience of the room.  They really don’t serve their purpose of bringing light. 

At our cabin, however, we have no electricity.  We rely on candles and lanterns to light up the room once the sun has set.

In the same way, we who know Christ are to be small flames.  If we merely congregate in places of light, we bring small comfort and boost the overall ambience of the area, but do we fulfill our purpose?

Jesus set the ultimate example.  He was the light that “shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” (John 1:5)

May my little corner of darkness be illuminated by the light of Christ in me.