Saying goodbye to Q2

It’s that time of the year again!  Finals begin in a week!  Eeek!

I’ve provided this schedule pretty selfishly, asking that you would lift up my classmates and I in prayer as we try to stay strong to the end of this Winter Quarter.

I'm also becoming like my mother, grandmother, and sister, and am developing an addiction to crossing things off to-do lists. Ahh... simple satisfaction!

Feb. 28 - Complete D.O.ctor exam and last anatomy lab and quiz

March 1 - OTM quiz, Immunology clinical case presentation

March 2 - Complete D.O.ctor practical
March 3-  Anatomy clinical case and quiz

March 4 - Block exams: Immunology final exam, Anatomy exam, Physiology exam; Anatomy lab report due

March 7 - OTM written comprehensive final

March 8 -  OTM practical, part I; Anatomy lab comprehensive final

March 9 - Anatomy written comprehensive  final

March 10 - OTM practical, part II

March 11 - Physiology comprehensive final

Here’s some encouragement that I received from Scripture this week at church.  I’m claiming them as my finals passages.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders [like facebook and food blogs] and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary or lose heart.”  Hebrews 12:1-3

“We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ.  To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.”  Colossians 1:28-29

empty lab reflections

Today I stood alone in an empty anatomy lab.  The cadaver bags were all closed for the weekend.  The students had cleared out to enjoy a little bit of freedom after a de-stinkifying shower and before the weekend studying.  

I had realized while exiting the lab that I hadn’t yet looked at the radiographs for this unit, so I walked back across the room to the lightbox and flipped on the switch.

Skulls.  Lots of views of skulls.

As I stood there, trying to orient myself amongst the panels of x-rays, I remembered a moment from last summer, almost as vividly as if I was once again standing in the office hallway. One day when I was working for Dr. W, we had a little patient come into the office with a hurt arm.  He’d been looking for centipedes or worms or some other creepy crawly under logs in his dad’s woodpile, and a big log had rolled on top of him.

He was oh-so brave as we examined him and waited for the x-rays to come up from the lab.  When they finally came upstairs, I peered over Dr. W’s shoulder as she examined it for fractures.  Sure enough, there it was, and we promptly sent him off to the orthopedic department.

Now today, I was the one looking at x-rays.  All by myself.

Only, I wasn’t looking for a fracture in an arm.  I was trying to figure out how the structures that we’d just seen in the lab could translate into grey and white shadows.

A song from one of my favorite albums from high school started playing on the ipod that is permanently embedded somewhere in my brain.  “This is Your Life” by Switchfoot off the album “The Beautiful Letdown.”  

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

Begin another flashback.  When that album came out, I was dreaming of going to college so that I could go to medical school.  When I was younger, and I had everything to lose, that’s what I wanted to do.  I'd look at the lightboxes at the clinic and think to myself, "Those would make really cool art pieces.  Wonder if I'll get to use them for real some day?"

Now, here it is.  This is my life, and actually, it is everything that I dreamed that it would be- and more.  I’m here, where I dreamed I’d be.  It’s hard like I dreamed it would be.  I’m learning like I dreamed I would.   

I’m struggling more.  I have more support than I could have ever asked for.  I’m growing more than I thought was imaginable.

I went from being a kid who dreamed about doing sweet things like reading x-rays, to being a college student who hovered behind doctors as they read x-rays, to now being a med student who scratches her head in amazement that there are so many holes in the skull on that x-ray that she has to be able to identify by next Friday.

And then someday, I’ll be the doctor that reads the x-rays for diagnostic purposes.

Granted, I've dreamed about much more than reading x-rays, and I hope that by the time I'm done here I can do more than that.  But flashbacks are funny things sometimes.  The things you can connect...

Anyways.  Good stuff to remember as finals approach.

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have…

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

equations

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7


It’s the wee hours of the morning. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. I made the mistake of looking at my schedule for the next two weeks, and had a minor panic attack.

Next week = 2 quizzes + 1 presentation + 1 practical + 3 exams + 1 final
Following week = 2 practicals + 3 finals

Ick.

I just wailed to my boyfriend who is approximately 180 miles away, and was curled up in his bed all ready to sleep. Poor guy.  He should probably be sainted or knighted or something by the time I graduate. I moaned to him about the similarities in hormone pathways. I cried for fear of Immuno presentations. I complained about the intricacies of the head and neck.

My ever- so-wise (or smart-alecky) boyfriend asked me then, what would be the first thing I would get rid of in the head and neck to make studying easier.

It kind of reminded me of when I was a junior higher and was frequently annoyed by my four younger siblings. The moment I would complain to my dad, he would say,

“Alright then. Which one shall we get rid of first?” 

“But Dad! That’s not what I meant!”

And that would be that.

Jeremy got a similar response (besides that “But Dad!” part).


One of the best things about Jeremy is that he doesn’t let me dwell in pity parties. I don’t always like it at the time because sometimes I just want to whine. But Jeremy reminds me that I am to “do everything without complaining or arguing,” (Phil. 2:14) and he gently guides me so that I am looking towards Truth and hope and blessings. Tonight, he read to me sections of Philippians, the book of the Bible that we’re trying to memorize together. Here are a few points that stuck out to me:

“Finally, my brothers, rejoice in the Lord! It is no trouble for me to write the same things to you again, and it is a safeguard for you.” 3:1

I’ll get back to explaining this one. Promise. I’m just going sequentially.

But whatever was for my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.” 3:7-9

I have placed much stock in my grades. As a matter of fact, pursuing them fills the majority of my waking hours. They’re not what I want them to be right now, and I’m scared of the oncoming gauntlet of exams. I’m scared of failing. Grades are the profit that I want to receive for my time put into studying.

But Paul says that, comparatively speaking, I can consider them a loss anyway. Those test grades, whether high or low, pale in comparison to the greatness of knowing Christ Jesus as Lord. And the beautiful thing is that this comes not from the right or wrong answers I produce, but through faith in Christ. Thank You Jesus, for perspective.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” 4:4

Here he is, repeating himself. He said at the beginning of chapter 3 that he had no problem repeating this admonishment to them, and here he does it again- twice! But why did he say that it merited repeating? Because:

“…it is a safeguard for you.”

How can rejoicing provide a safeguard for me? What is it protecting me from? Through rejoicing in the Lord, I am required to look up from myself and up at His greatness. I must pause to reflect on His character and His blessings. I am safeguarded from my self-pity, fear, and doubt. Thank you, Paul, for reminding me again.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” 4:6-7

Oh, but I am anxious. Unfortunately, my first reaction is not to pray, but to freak out and frantically grab at any information that I can possibly reach and to cram it haphazardly into my brain. Understanding it all would be great, but most days, that’s even beyond me.

But you tell me that I have available a peace that surpasses that ever-so-elusive understanding? No way!

And it will guard my heart and mind?  My heart is restless and uneasy. My mind is overwhelmed and tired.

Count me in.

Thanks to hours studying physiology and biochemistry, my mind is learning to reduce large concepts into basic equations. Here’s the one I made up just now:

[(Prayer + petition) + Thanksgiving ]Rejoicing in the Lord = peace of God = safeguard heart and mind

Peace of God > all understanding

Catherine ≠ worry

Amen

The Power of Your Name

by Lincoln Brewster

Surely children weren't made for the streets
And fathers were not made to leave
Surely this isn't how it should be
Let Your kingdom come

Surely nations were not made for war
Or the broken meant to be ignored
Surely this couldn't be what You saw
Let Your kingdom come
Here in my heart

And I will live to carry Your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet
And I will give with the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion to see the world be changed
By the power of Your Name
The power of Your Name

Surely life wasn't made to regret
And the lost were not made to forget
Surely faith without action is dead
Let Your Kingdom come
Lord break this heart

Jesus Your Name
Is a shelter for the hurting
Your Name
Is a refuge the weak
Only Your Name
Can take the undeserving
Jesus Your Name
Holds everything I need

not my cup o’ tea

As I stared into my cup of hot water, and then over at the tea bag in my hand, I had to shake my head.  I didn’t like tea up until recently, and I'm still kind of surprised that I like it.  It's still not my favorite beverage, but it provides a small dose of comfort on a Friday night of studying.

I dropped the unassuming little bag full of dried leaves into the mug, enthralled by the bright colors that billowed out.  I added a spoon full of honey to cut the edge of the sometimes bitter herbs and inhaled deeply.

A tea bag is really nothing too extraordinary.  Dry leaves.  Flimsy package.  Pretty cheap.

Hot water is no fun to drink.  Although, if you ask my childhood best friend, she’d tell you that I sometimes drink it before I sing at church in the mornings.  There’s really nothing there but an opportunity to scorch your tongue.

But something happens when that little bag of leaves is dropped into that almost boiling water.  Magic happens.  As in the case with this evening’s cup of blueberry tea, brilliant purples swirl in my mug until they have diffused throughout.  Before too long, the aroma of blueberry fields or blueberry muffins is captured in my nostrils.

Perhaps the trials of life are like hot water.  Some colloquialisms would claim that it is so.  Perhaps I am like a little tea bag.  Unassuming.  Not really all that special.  That is, not until Someone decides that tea must be brewed.  Only in hot water will my true colors show.  Only through time will the aroma fill the air.  Only time will tell if it will be sweet or bitter.  Only He who brews can add sweetness to take off the bitter edge.

This is not my cup of tea, O God.  May I, through this time of bathing in hot water, brew a sweet, sweet fragrance as an offering for You.  May my true colors be those of grace, hope, and truth.  And may they speak volumes to those who see them.  You are the one who brings sweetness to this brew.  I pray that You are pleased with the result.

Amen.

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”  Ephesians 5:1-2

Manipulation of My Attitude: a lesson on teachability

You’d think that I’d never failed anything before.  Actually, I didn’t even fail it.  I missed two measly points out of six on our OTM technique critique.  I didn’t have to remediate, but I chose to because I WAS ANGRY.  I wanted those points back.  Never mind that I had failed an actual exam the day before I was okay with it.  Never mind that I didn’t actually understand the mechanics of what we were being tested on in our critique very well.  I’d never missed a point before on a technique critique, and I was really attached to at least one perfect record in medical school.

I strode into the OTM lab at the appointed time and took my place with all the other… failures.  I didn’t really want to listen to what the OTM fellows had to say.  I just wanted to show them that I more-or-less knew what I was doing and then leave.

(about now I’m starting to sound like an impatient jerk)

As I palpated my partner’s neck and listened to the fellows’ helpful hints on treatment of the C spine, I relaxed and played with a couple of their suggestions as I set up the treatment positions.  I realized that I knew what I was doing a lot less than I thought I did.  I even had to have a fellow come over and help me walk through the procedure.  After a few helps and a few more tries, he even complemented me on my improvement.

In the end, I’m glad that I missed that point.  I’m glad that someone caught me and told me that I need to work on this a little bit more.  I’m glad that I was forced to be teachable.  I’m just a little embarrassed at how much manipulation of my spirit that it took to get me to that place.

This is love

This evening, I typed these chunks of verses out on a sheet of paper and passed them out to my dear friends.  After an fun-filled hour of goofiness, food, and fellowship, it was time to reflect on love, as seen in I John chapters 3 and 4.  As we went around the room and listened to each other read, I became overwhelmed by the depth of God's love for us, as well as the importance of our response.

Do you understand that He loves you?  Can I help you understand?  These verses might not make sense if you don't.  If you do believe that you are loved by the God of the universe, what is your response?

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” (3:1) 

 “For this is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. ¹² Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother’s were righteous. ¹³ Do not be surprised, my brothers and sisters, if the world hates you. ¹⁴ We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love each other. Anyone who does not love remains in death. ¹⁵ Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him.”  (3:11-15)

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? ¹⁸ Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.”  (3:16-17)

 “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.”  (4:7-9)

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹ Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹² No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.”  (4:10-12)

“This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. ¹⁴ And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. ¹⁵ If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. ¹⁶ And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.”  (4:13-16)

“This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”  (4:17-18)

“We love because he first loved us. ²⁰ Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. ²¹ And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.”  (4:19-21)

it’s all in the approach

I walked in guarded

arms crossed

I am busy

I am stressed

I am overwhelmed

but I will sit here

and wait to be filled

but this does not

will not

satisfy

or at least it hasn't

I am still restless

perhaps it's because

I have nothing to bring

I can’t lead children

I don’t have the energy

I can’t join another Bible study

I don’t have the time

I can’t pour myself out

nothing flows but tears

but You didn’t ask me to join a study

or lead the children

or pour myself out to anyone

but You

You did ask that I come

before You

in worship

worship

of You

not of me

or what I have

or haven't got to bring

but because of You

and what You did

figure out

who You are

and so here I am

Ready to see

who You are

and where You’ll move me

"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you." -St. Augustine of Hippo

Spirituality in Medicine

Catherine W

Society 6

February 11, 2011

Think about your practice 15 years from now.  How do you believe patient spirituality will be an integral aspect of your clinical practice?

Some have described religion and spirituality as a crutch for the weak.  In a sense, I think that this is true.  I chose to enter the field of medicine to serve the weak and the broken.  Crutches are needed by the broken, not by those who are well.  We all have needs- physical, mental, and spiritual, and each must be addressed in varying degrees with each patient.  Fulfillment of needs that are spiritual in nature are unique for many reasons, and because of the following reasons, I will seek to offer spiritual care as an important clinical modality.  

As physicians, we will attempt to cheat death as often as possible; however, it is often unavoidable.  As a Christian, I believe that spiritual fulfillment is the only component of whole-person care that will last after death.  When it comes to my patients’ last breaths, I want to ensure that they are prepared, which I will actively participate in, or in the least, have a chaplain on referral.  My goal would be that my patients are not only physically comfortable in their last days, but also at peace within their spirit.

I do not believe that spirituality is merely a preparation to pass into the next life, but it also has merit for the present.  Spirituality gives purpose and meaning.  I have experienced this myself, having been changed through a relationship with Jesus Christ.  Because of this, I delight in sharing my faith story and about the hope I have found.  I want to be able to do this respectfully and tactfully with my patients because I recognize that I will serve people from many walks of life and from many religious backgrounds.  Discussions on what the patients find to provide purpose and meaning in life can bring tremendous impact to their healing process.  I also think that engaging patients in conversations about their faith can provide a bridge of trust between myself and my patients.  I have experienced hope and peace, which are vital elements to people who in the midst of health problems need all the hope and peace that can be offered.  Who would I be to withhold it from them?

Studies have shown that prayer and faith have positive effects on the healing of many illnesses.  I have seen miraculous healings in my life that I believe can only be attributed to a Greater Power.  In a field that is based on science, this type of phenomenon can be hard to believe.  However, the studies seem to suggest that patients who have faith exhibit increased probability of recovery and overall quality of life.  I hope that through my faith and prayer, I would be able to see miracles in my clinic- both those of modern medicine and of the supernatural.  I want my clinic to be a place of comfort, encouragement, and healing, and I believe that by providing an avenue to discuss and resolve spiritual issues, an important element is brought to patient care. 

 “On hearing this, Jesus said to them, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.’” Mark 2:17, Holy Bible, NIV Translation

No Confidence in the Flesh

This past weekend, I found myself wondering (as I often do) how any of us are here and functional.  Every time I sit through an Embryology lecture, I freak out a little at all of the possible deformities that can (and do) happen in utero.  I’m amazed at the fact that we all have all of our parts! In Biochemistry, we’re studying the molecular basis of cancer.  It’s so bizarre to think that there are so many little tiny mutations that can cause such widespread, common illnesses.  Yet it doesn’t happen to everyone.   In Physiology, we’re learning about the intricacies of blood pressure and the importance of fine regulation.  Even the slightest malfunction can have extremely serious consequences.  

Health problems can be of many varieties and can be broken down into many categories.  They can be chronic- dragging out over a long period of time.  They can also be acute- sudden scares.  Just this weekend, my friend Laura (my wonderful boyfriend’s wonderful mom) was rushed to the hospital for what could have been a very sudden and serious problem.  Thankfully, it seems that the doctors have caught it on time, and she should be fine with time and medication. 

Our flesh is fragile and unpredictable.  It is a wonder that any of us are here and functional!  I started working on memorizing Philippians 3 this week, and this theme of the uncertainty of our bodies was addressed:

“For it is we who put no confidence in the flesh”

As a medical student and as a general observer on planet earth, I’m pretty sure there’s not a lot of reason to put confidence in the flesh.  I mean, the justified lack of confidence that we have in our flesh is my job security. 

Somehow, I don’t think that the apostle Paul is talking about the general state of the health of man in Philippians 3. Here’s a little bit more context:

³ For it is we who are the circumcision, we who serve God by his Spirit, who boast in Christ Jesus, and who put no confidence in the flesh—

He’s talking about it as if it’s a good thing!  Crazy.  He then goes on to quote his qualifications for confidence in his particular piece of flesh and status in life, and goes on to say, 

 ⁷ But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ… 

The sake of Christ.  That seems to be the placement of his confidence.  Not only has he considered his flesh to be of little value, but also all of his earthly achievements.  Let me tell you, but the standards of his culture and his time, he was quite an accomplished man.  However, he considered it all a loss compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ.  

...I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

No confidence in the flesh, but only a daring confidence that seeking after Jesus Christ, even to the point of death would bring the truest form of fulfillment that this life has to offer.

 ¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. 

We have learned through experience not to have confidence in the flesh.  Or at least very little.  There are birth defects and cancers and sudden scary hospital trips.  Praise God, that through faith in His Son, we can have confidence in something that is worth even risking our very flesh in pursuit.  

We, as Christians, have a unique perspective.  Life is precious.  Yes, it is precious because of the frailty of the flesh that we have, but more so because of the joy of the pursuit of Christ that we have while we are present in this body.  

May we use our time in the flesh to press on in this race, chasing after the prize for which God has called us heavenward. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, 

but God is the strength of my heart 

and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:26

encouragement from the mountains

The background of my school email reminds me to look to the mountains...

Psalm 121
A song of ascents.

 1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
   where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.

 3 He will not let your foot slip—
   he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
   will neither slumber nor sleep.

 5 The LORD watches over you—
   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
   nor the moon by night.

 7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
   he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going

   both now and forevermore.

my siblings and I in Homer, AK (June 2005)