More Than Enough

"Come near to God and he will come near to you."


It's been a two-week timespan that my classmates have dubbed, "The Two Weeks from Hell."  We've had a test every other day (by Friday, we will have had 6 exams in two weeks), along with numerous quizzes, labs, and a standardized patient encounter (patient actors + student doctors + video cameras + grading).


Today I was ready to collapse.  I have two more tests to go, and after getting this last Anatomy test back, I'm feeling discouraged.  I had even attempted to stay on top of the day-to-day lectures, and had studied my hardest all weekend.  I walked into the test bringing my "A game," but walked out hoping that I passed.  I did pass- but only barely.


I climbed into my car to drive home for my extended lunch break and felt my body begin to melt.  I didn't feel like I had any strength left.  What was the point in studying if I barely passed with hours of work?  I had been persevering, but my energy was wearing out.  I was ready to give up.  While sitting at a red light, I cried out to God, "I have nothing left to give, but so much left to do!  You're all I have left now!"


This has not been an uncommon theme the past few months.  If you know me well, you may have figured out that my love language is encouragement.  I delight in giving it, I thrive in receiving it.  Affirmation for me comes not only from others, but also from feedback on my own performance.  Unfortunately, if my exams had words to speak, they would say to me as I pick them up out of my mailbox, "You obviously had no idea what you were talking about.  You think you studied well?  You think you put in long hours?  You should have studied harder, longer, with more focus, like the people who aced me."   My parents, Jeremy, and my host of facebook-encouragers cheer me on, saying "You can do it!" but not one of them can override the hollowness of striving then failing, striving then succeeding, striving then failing, striving, striving, striving...


Perhaps if they tried harder, my void for affirmation would be filled... 


No, that can't be right.

Recently I was reminded of Chris Tomlin's worship song, "Enough."  In it, he claims, "All of you is more than enough for all of me- for every thirst.  Every need you satisfy me with your love, and all I have in You is more than enough."  For every thirst?  What I crave is affirmation.  Are you saying that He can satisfy this thirst?  


More than one night as I've lay in bed, too exhausted to study more, too exhausted to sleep, I rocked back and forth sniffling to myself, "All of you is more than enough for all of me for every thirst..." until I fell asleep.  I awoke, hoping that the words I had sung the past nights would hold true.
(silly me, why wouldn't I believe it to be so?)


Back to that red light.


I cried out to God, "I have nothing left to give, but so much left to do!  You're all I have left now!"   


In the stillness of the moment, James 4:8 flitted through my mind in a calming whisper:  


"Come near to God and he will come near to you."    


"But Lord," I said, "Will that be enough to get me through today?  I'm exhausted and have so much to do.  All I want to do is lie down.  Are you enough to get me through today?"


"Come near to God and he will come near to you."  


I pulled away from that light feeling as though I had met with God.  I began to feel motivated to study over my lunch break and forego my nap.  By the time I pulled into my driveway, my posture was different, my attitude a little less defeated.


Yes, I am still a little nervous about the rest of the tests that I have this week.  Yes, I am still tired.  No, I'm not caught up and there's still much to be done.  


I might not have retained as much abdominal anatomy as I should have this week, but one thing I have learned: 


my God is more than enough for me.  

Lord, please continue to show me that You are not just enough to get me through, but that You are more than enough.  I am sorry that it has taken me this long to come to a point of believing this to be true.  I thank You for bringing me to this point of brokenness so that I can recognize my deep need for You, and You alone.  Be my strength, my encouragement, my purpose, and my hope.  I praise You for the work You're doing in me.

Love, 

Catherine

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

Add to the Beauty by Sara Groves

We come with beautiful secrets
We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls
We come to every new morning
With possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold

Redemption comes in strange place, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

It comes in small inspirations
It brings redemption to life and work
To our lives and our work

It comes in loving community
It comes in helping a soul find it's worth

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful
This is grace, an invitation

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out our best

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

And this is what I intend to spend my life pursuing... adding to the beauty through the pursuit of redemption, inspiration, grace, love.

Looking Up: Perspectives on Privilege

priv·i·lege  (prv-lj, prvlj)n.1. a. A special advantage, immunity, permission, right, or benefit granted to or enjoyed by an individual, class, or caste. 


“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17

Last night, I returned to Kirksville after spending a wonderful three-day weekend in St. Louis with Jeremy. We were ridiculously productive almost all weekend long (with breaks for the City Museum and Ted Drewes frozen custard), but at one point on Saturday night, my mind began to wander away from the study of Nervous System Histology.

I mulled to myself in my brain,

“Ugh. I have to go home tomorrow. I should NOT have to be spending some of my last precious few hours with Jeremy studying.” 

I had also recently found out that one of my brothers had shot a deer in the morning, another had broken his arm, and my sister was seeing one of my favorite musical artists in concert that evening.

From that point on, a pity party ensued.

*grumble grumble*

“If I didn’t have so much to do, I would have just gone home this weekend, and then I could have seen David’s deer and gone to the concert with Anna.” 

*grumble grumble*

“On top of that, why am I working so hard anyway? No one else is studying this weekend. Besides, I study all the time and still fail most of my tests. Why blow this beautiful break if I'll probably fail even if I do study?” 

*grumble grumble*

“Why does this school dump so much material on me at one time? Don’t they know that we want to have lives?” 

*grumble grumble*

“Why am I even in medical school anyway? It’s way too hard.” 

*influx of tears*


*puzzled boyfriend looks up from Quantum Mechanics homework*


After a few Kleenexes and a reminder from Jeremy that life isn’t all that bad, I retreated to his bathroom to wash my face and talk to God a little bit.

In His ever-so-gentle, yet direct way, He manipulated my perspective ever-so-slightly.

He reminded me that it is a privilege to be able to sit in the same room as my boyfriend as we plod through our homework. The alternative? Studying in my apartment or library by myself.  Not nearly such a treat.

Although it is hard work, and I’m not exactly seeing the fruits of my labor yet, being in medical school is a privilege. It can quickly begin to feel like drudgery when I look at the small picture of day-to-day tasks, but I need to look at the big picture.  I have been selected out of several thousand of applicants to be at this school this year. As a matter of fact, even though my grades in undergrad weren’t the best, nor was my application all that impressive, I obtained one of the first five slots in the class of 2014 out of 172.  That's the "before" part of my med school story.  I'm currently in the tunnel vision of the "during" part of my story.  With the history of how God has gone before me to make a way for me to attend medical school, how much more will He do to get me through it... and also how much more will He use it?

I guess it’s all how you look at it, huh?

How ironic that Jeremy’s pastor at Harvester Christian Church preached on contentment yesterday, only hours after my bathroom conversation with the Lord. Pastor Brian challenged us to look for ways to be thankful for EVERYTHING in our lives, stating “It could always be worse.”  He cited the apostle Paul, who said:

"I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:10-13

Paul made it clear that he had to learn the secret of being content.  It wasn't something that he inherently knew.  He was given the opportunity through circumstances much more dire than having to do homework over Fall Break.  Even then, he was able to claim the Lord's strength and be thankful in all circumstances.

May we be encouraged to imitate the apostle Paul in his quest to learn the secret of contentment.  Perhaps it lies in what he admonished the Philippians to do only a few verses earlier:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Dear Lord,

Thank You for Your good gifts. Please teach me to look for the positive that You place in every situation, and to be content whatever the circumstances. Protect me from the dangerous pity parties that inhibit me from appreciating the gifts you have given me.  What a privilege it is to be able to live in Your grace- truly a gift we don't deserve.  Please use this medical school experience to mold me into the woman that You intend for me to be. Thanks again!

Love,

Catherine

Parched

<sup>Psalm 42:1-43:5

 1</sup> As the deer pants for streams of water,
       so my soul pants for you, O God. 

 ² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
       When can I go and meet with God? 

 ³ My tears have been my food
       day and night,
       while men say to me all day long,
       "Where is your God?" 

 ⁴ These things I remember
       as I pour out my soul:
       how I used to go with the multitude,
       leading the procession to the house of God,
       with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
       among the festive throng. 

 ⁵ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and ⁶ my God.
       My soul is downcast within me;
       therefore I will remember you
       from the land of the Jordan,
       the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. 

 ⁷ Deep calls to deep
       in the roar of your waterfalls;
       all your waves and breakers
       have swept over me. 

 ⁸ By day the LORD directs his love,
       at night his song is with me—
       a prayer to the God of my life. 

 ⁹ I say to God my Rock,
       "Why have you forgotten me?
       Why must I go about mourning,
       oppressed by the enemy?" 

 ¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
       as my foes taunt me,
       saying to me all day long,
       "Where is your God?" 

 ¹¹ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and my God.

¹ Vindicate me, O God,
       and plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
       rescue me from deceitful and wicked men. 

 ² You are God my stronghold.
       Why have you rejected me?
       Why must I go about mourning,
       oppressed by the enemy? 

 ³ Send forth your light and your truth,
       let them guide me;
       let them bring me to your holy mountain,
       to the place where you dwell. 

 ⁴ Then will I go to the altar of God,
       to God, my joy and my delight.
       I will praise you with the harp,
       O God, my God. 

 ⁵ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and my God.

Since moving to Kirksville, I have often felt exhausted, like a deer panting by streams of water.  My soul has been downcast.  Medical school is hard, and I don't always deal with it well.  I always knew that the first quarter would be some of the more difficult days of my life thus far, but I had conveniently forgotten that until a few failed tests jolted me to reality.  As a result, my tears have been my food on multiple occasions.  From amidst my piles of notes, texts books, and binders, I cry out with the Psalmist, "Where can I go and meet with God?"  In the church-hunting process, I remembered the past when I was an integral part of worship.  Now, I long to be a part of such a communal process.  I have thirsted to come away from a Sunday morning feeling refreshed and challenged.


Here I am, craving time with believers.  I am struggling in school.  I am exhausted.  I miss my family.  I feel as though I'm on a roller coaster of emotions.  But to where do I turn?  I study harder.  I call Jeremy.  I cry.  But this thirst, this ache cannot be filled by crammed knowledge or earthly words of comfort.

The Psalmist says, "Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?"  In the midst of turmoil, he remembers to put his hope in God, and continues to praise Him as the Savior from his trials.  He remembers historically of the times that God has been faithful to him.  He reminds himself that God is with him both day and night.  Though he feels as though God has forgotten him, he remembers that it is God who gives him strength.

Oh Lord, teach me to trust in You, as You did Your servant David.  You have been faithful throughout my life, and I know that You will be faithful still.  Please, send forth Your light and Your truth to guide me to the place where You dwell.  Meet me in my studies, where Your creation speaks volumes of Your ingenuity and intricacy.  Remind me that this is not only in Your church buildings, but in me, Your sanctuary.  Bring me to Your holy altar here, in stillness and quiet, and remind me that You are my joy and delight.  

Lord, now that I am beginning to find my place within this faith community, do not let me think that my thirst for You has been quenched.  Refresh me, but only to make me thirsty again, O God, my God.  You are my Rock, and for this I will praise You.  

My soul is downcast, but I will chose to put my hope in You, my Savior and my God.

Amen



*disclaimer: this passage, although an often referenced passage in my Bible the last few weeks, was the focus of the sermon today at the First Baptist church which Melissa and I visited.  I did leave feeling refreshed and encouraged to run to my Rock.  Thank You, Lord!