What do I want to be?

 Reflections on life thus far (well, mostly on the year 2010)

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

For the majority of my life, this has been one of the most frequently asked questions in my life, aside from “Is your room clean?” and “Is your homework done?”  

It seems like the majority of my life can be broken into two categories 1) activities of daily living and 2) pursuing what I want to be when I grow up.

As I reflect on the past year, this has been true to the umpteenth degree.  I want to be a doctor, so naturally, the main thrust of my life is in that direction: Work hard to graduate from college so that you can continue on to medical school.  Work all summer so you can buy a car to drive to medical school.  Make sure that your job is such that you’re gaining experience that will lend towards going to medical school.  Do well in medical school so that you can get into a good residency so that you can be a doctor when you grow up.

 “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Sometimes that question seems a little discouraging.  Yes, I still want to be a doctor.  No, I don’t know in what field I want to specialize.  Yes, I have a long way to go.  Yes, I want to be a wife and mother even though I want to become a doctor.  No, I don’t have a time table for that, so don’t expect me to have a ring on my finger or baby names picked any time soon.   

It all just seems so far off in the distance…

“What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I am sorta grown up.  I have my own apartment.  I live in a different state than my parents.  I “work” full-time.  I pay most of my own bills.  I make it where I need to be, mostly on time and usually unaided by anything other than an alarm clock and my own set of wheels.  My friends are getting married and having babies.  I love a man who pays his own bills and lives in his own apartment and is probably way more responsible than I am.  I guess that’s all kinda grown up, right?  I thought so, but it must not, because people are still asking me this question:

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Maybe instead of getting hung up on what other people ask me, I need a new question, one to ask myself.  Maybe as I approach this new year, I need to look in the mirror and say, 

“What do I want to be today?”

Today, I want to be patient.  

I want to be the one who loves those around me.  

Today, I want to be an enjoyer of the little things.  

I want to be an encourager.

Today, I want be a connoisseur of good food.  

I want to be the one who makes someone smile.  

Today, I want to be more like Christ than I was yesterday.

“What do I want to be today?”

Yes, that’s the question I think I’ll ask.  Then, someday, if I make it that far, I’ll ask it as a doctor, wife, or mother. 

A fat man, a crying baby, and needy people

Sometimes I forget the punch lines to jokes. Sometimes I start to tell a story, and the reason that it even fit into the conversation at hand slips my mind completely. And then I feel stupid.

Remembering the point of what’s going on seems to be pretty important. Keeping the point in mind helps focus the direction of the story. Getting to the point saves a lot of hassle. Stating the point clearly keeps people interested in the story.

Well then, as we reflect on the season that's slipping by, what’s the point of Christmas?

I know how we celebrate it. I get into that whole thing. My heart gets a little fluttery at the sight of white Christmas lights and red bows. I love Christmas cookies and candy canes and shiny ornaments and family gatherings. I love the smell of a good fir tree. I love caroling and wrapping and unwrapping.

But could someone just cut to the chase? What’s the point?

I guess if I were to use literary devices to determine the point, I would examine the main characters. I’ll pick two for now.


Jolly Old Saint Nick. He's a good one to start with. The Christmas season practically begins with writing him a wish list, and the climax of the big day itself is running down the stairs to see what goodies he’s left in exchange for cookies. But how did he get roped into the Christmas festivities anyway?

I'm not entirely sure, but many stories have been told of a Saint Nicholas through the years, the evolutions of which have led to the Western version of Santa Claus. There are many legends of the original Nicholas- where he was from, what he did, and whether or not he could do extraordinary things, but all testify to the same general theme: Nicholas was a man who gave to those in great need.



Now for the other leading character: the baby in a manger. There is element of mystery surrounding his appearance on Christmas Eve. Why was it such a big deal that he was born anyway? He was a squalling infant, born to unassuming people in an unassuming place. If He truly was God incarnate, why would He even bother to show up on earth as a baby?

To answer a few of these questions, it seems necessary to go to the beginning, the very beginning...

God is perfect and holy. His very nature does not allow Him to be in contact with sin. Man is the opposite of perfect and holy. The turning away from God, or sin, brought a great need to the very core of humanity- we were no longer able to be in direct communication with the very One who created us. We had no hope of being in connection with God because our radiating scum cannot even encroach upon His radiant glory. Thankfully, God didn't abandon His plan for the world because of the distance.  He set up a system of sacrifice in the Old Testament, because there had to be payment for the wrongs committed. But that wasn’t enough. To approach God through the blood of lambs was a messy process. A tedious process. A repetitive process. A gory and ritualistic process. Praise God that He wasn’t through with His plan to bring that which screwed up back to Himself.

That’s where Christmas comes in!

A perfect child was born into the world, one who was fully God and fully man. This perfect little babe would grow up to become the sacrifice to end all sacrifices. His sacrifice made man clean, not for a day, but forever. Man could now have access to the perfect and holy God of creation, not because of his perfection, but because of Jesus’ sacrifice. And all that man needed to do to take advantage of that opportunity was acknowledge that Jesus was the sacrifice, that He was the perfect son of God.

He was God’s gift to needy people, in need of a right relationship with Him.


All right… I’m starting to see the trend. You could say that the point to the baby’s story is much like that of Santa Claus. The point of both stories is giving to those in need.

More accurately, Saint Nick was probably just someone responding to that gift. Because of God's gift to a broken, needy people, a man responded and gave to other broken, needy people.  Of course, he didn't give them a way to reunite with the Creator of the universe, but he did what he could with what he had. What a legacy!

And how do we celebrate these legacies?

Well, for Saint Nick, we shove him into a tacky faux-fur and make him the poster child for obesity. We give him a few mythical flying caribou and demand that he bring our every wish, whether we’ve been good or not.

And what of the baby? The perfect sacrifice that re-connected us with our Maker? He is contained nicely in Christmas carols or lays serenely in the front-yard nativity scenes as his blue-eyed plastic self with his very Caucasian parents glowing eerily over him.

I personally want to echo their example, but most of my loved ones don't really need anything. Therefore, I spend a good portion of the year trying to find a “need” in their lives. Never mind that the need ends up being a candle or probably something that they didn’t even want.

I did say that remembering the point of what's going on seems to be pretty important.  No wonder our Christmas holidays seem so harried. It is necessary to keeping the point in mind in order to focus the direction of our very own Christmas story. Getting to the point could even save us a lot of the holiday hassle. Perhaps getting to the point of Christmas would get us interested in an even greater story- that God loved this broken, needy world so much that He gave His one and only Son Jesus. And if only we would believe that He did what He says He did, we will not die but have eternal life with our loving Creator (John 3:16).


Lord Jesus,

I praise You for not giving up on us when we made that first mistake to chose a way other than Yours. Thank You for seeking us time and time again when there is no way that we deserved a love like the one You offer. Thank You that this is the meaning of Christmas.

Please transform me so that I might use this season as a time to be as Nicholas was, to give to those who are truly needy. Open my eyes to the needs that I can fulfill. And please, let me use this season as a time to rejoice that You have fulfilled my deepest need- to be connected with the One Who created me and loves me more than earthly possible.

I am thankful for Your great love for me.

Catherine

Merry Christmas

Christ’s birth and kingdom are foretold by Isaiah 

Isaiah 9:2, 6-7

 ² The people walking in darkness
   have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of deep darkness
   a light has dawned.
⁶ For to us a child is born,
   to us a son is given,
   and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
   Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
   Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
⁷ Of the greatness of his government and peace
   there will be no end.
He will reign on David’s throne
   and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
   with justice and righteousness
   from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty
   will accomplish this.

The Gospel brings peace to the whole creation

Isaiah 11:6-9

 ⁶ The wolf will live with the lamb,
   the leopard will lie down with the goat,
the calf and the lion and the yearling together;
   and a little child will lead them.
⁷ The cow will feed with the bear,
   their young will lie down together,
   and the lion will eat straw like the ox.
⁸ The infant will play near the cobra’s den,
   the young child will put its hand into the viper’s nest.
⁹ They will neither harm nor destroy
   on all my holy mountain,
for the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the LORD
   as the waters cover the sea.

Mary is told of her chosen role

Luke 1:26-37

 ²⁶ In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, ²⁷ to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. ²⁸ The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.” 

 ²⁹ Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. ³⁰ But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. ³¹ You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. ³² He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, ³³ and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.” 

 ³⁴ “How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?” 

 ³⁵ The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. ³⁶ Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. ³⁷ For no word from God will ever fail.”

Luke tells of the birth of Jesus

Luke 2:8-16

 ⁸ And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹ An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰ But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. ¹¹ Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. ¹² This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

 ¹³ Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

 ¹⁴ “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
   and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

 ¹⁵ When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

 ¹⁶ So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.

The star leads the wise men to Bethlehem 

Matthew 2:1-11

¹ After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem ² and asked, “Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.” 

 ³ When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him. ⁴ When he had called together all the people’s chief priests and teachers of the law, he asked them where the Messiah was to be born. ⁵ “In Bethlehem in Judea,” they replied, “for this is what the prophet has written: 

 ⁶ “‘But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah,
   are by no means least among the rulers of Judah;
for out of you will come a ruler
   who will shepherd my people Israel.’” 

 ⁷ Then Herod called the Magi secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. ⁸ He sent them to Bethlehem and said, “Go and search carefully for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him.” 

 ⁹ After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. ¹⁰ When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. ¹¹ On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

John unfolds the mystery of the incarnation

John 1:1-14

 ¹ In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He was with God in the beginning. ³ Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴ In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. 

 ⁶ There was a man sent from God whose name was John. ⁷ He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. ⁸ He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. 

 ⁹ The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. ¹⁰ He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. ¹¹ He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. ¹² Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— ¹³ children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. 

 ¹⁴ The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

words

I love words.

Here are some of the words that surround me as I sit at my desk:

Words of motivation...

I got this card in the mail this week from my brother Daniel :)

Words of inspiration...

Words of identification...

Words of thanks...

"Thank You God" in Inupiaq

Words of challenge...

Words of detailed description...

Words of togetherness...

Words of encouragement...

Words.  I love 'em.


One of the Greek words for word is logos.  It could be said that this means, "the embodiment of a conception or an idea."  What a beautiful way to describe such a precious gem!

A few synonyms for logos are "saying," "communication," or "account." In many places in the New Testament, it seems that the term is used to give emphasis to a colloquialism or something that a speaker is attempting to get across to an individual or group of people.

This is very interesting when we see how this logos is used in the introduction of the book of John: 

John 1:1-5 "In the beginning was the logos, and the logos was with God, and the logos was God. He was with God in the beginning."

and then again in John 1:14:

"The logos became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

What is this word of which John speaks?  It is clearly a logos of God.  What conception or idea is God attempting to embody?  To whom is He conveying it?

According to the passage, it is a word straight from God, in fact it even is God.  It is a descriptor of the glory of His perfect only Son.  As such, this logos is ancient, from the very beginning.  It is the description of all the grace that we give each other, and all of the grace that we too often withhold.  This is the logos of which John speaks.  In a world of deception and lies, this logos was filled to the brim with truth.

What kind of a word could possibly be this wonderful?  It sounds like a word only fit for heaven.

But no, John tells us that this word was wrapped in flesh and dwelt among us.  Now we have defined the "to whom."  It is a logos to the world.


What is this word?  And if it is a word that is defined by human likeness, who could possibly be described by this definition?


This Christmas, may we share words of encouragement, of inspiration, of thanks, and togetherness, but most importantly, may we seek to define that wonderful word, the logos.  I challenge you to try to figure out just what idea God wanted to share with us through His logos, which He spoke into the world on that first Christmas night.

"The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel- which means, 'God with us.'"   Isaiah 7:14

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped;
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place 
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, 
in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."                          Philippians 2:5-11

 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

There was a man sent from God whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.

The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth"        John 1:1-15

Counterstrain

I've learned so much in the past quarter of medical school, particularly in one of my favorite classes-  Osteopathic Theory and Methods.  In this class, we’re mainly learning about Osteopathic Manipulative Treatment (OMT), one of the main elements that set D.O.s apart from M.D.s.  The point of OMT is to treat a somatic dysfunction.

“What exactly is a somatic dysfunction?” you might ask.

I’m so glad you asked!  I’ll tell you:

A somatic dysfunction is really just a fancy way of saying that there is altered function of related components of the body’s framework- the skeleton, joints, fascias, and all of the related vessels and nerves.  You get the picture?

Our goal as osteopathic physicians is to do what we can to get the body back to a state of “internal physiologic harmony” (a.k.a. healthy!).

We are being taught two main techniques, and then will be further subdividing those techniques into specific modalities (keep in mind that I’m still learning about the theory behind these… I can’t fix very many things just yet).

Each of the main techniques is classified according to how they relate with the barrier, or area of lost motion.  The “direct” techniques bring the restricted tissues towards the restrictive barrier.  Some of these techniques may be similar to what your chiropractor does.

The other main type of technique is referred to as “indirect.”  Indirect techniques move the joint or tissues away from the restrictive barrier, towards the direction of ease.  A decreased tension can be felt under the physician's fingers after five seconds to a few minutes depending on the technique and the skill level of the physician.  The release is not necessarily due to the forces placed on the tissues by the physician, but rather on the inherent forces within the joint.  Our text states that it is typically quite comfortable for the patient.  Over the past three months, I have gotten the opportunity to try my hand (haha) at some basic indirect manipulation.  I have only recently experienced indirect therapy on my back for the first time, and was surprised at the way in which my displaced vertebrae were willing to slide back to their proper places simply by being gently tugged to their position of ease. 

Do you ever feel like you’ve reached a state of dysfunction?  I get that way often.  The bones, joints, fascias, vessels and nerves that make up my life get out of joint.  And funny how they all go out in relation to each other, huh?

Some times all I need is a little ease to get my parts back in their proper places.

Take night time, for instance.  Some days, if I could have it my way, I would love to have the energy to work all night.  But God knows that I need my framework to relax a little bit.  For seven hours, the deadlines go away, I forget that I ache, I don’t get hungry… it all eases away.  In the morning, I wake up with His new mercies and can tackle the day head-on. 

There are many moments like that in which the joints of life can be eased into place simply by being nudged into a place of comfort.  For example...

Dinner time- as I lay aside whatever I’m working on to work specifically on my nutrition and my relationship with my roommate- not to mention giving my brain a break.   

Weekends- no classes to pile up information that needs to be sorted and memorized- just sleeping in and leisurely working through my “to-do” list.

Workouts- I'm not sure if it's working off the pent-up aggression of the day, or sweating out toxins, or what... but life sure feels better after you walk out the gym doors!

The first moments of morning- as I dedicate my day to the Lord, the Spiritual plane of my life eases into place, but also slides with it the other planes of my life such as physical, social, psychological, etc.  

Sunday mornings- similar to my daily sunrise surrender, but just an even more deliberate time in which I lay everything aside to focus on the spiritual component of my life.  

Breaks- somehow lots of the dysfunctions are eased then, aren’t they?

Lord Jesus,

Thank You for providing times of rest.  I praise You for the moments of ease that You bring through your Great Physician hand.  Thank You for providing strength in the times of stress, but also for providing times of refreshing.  Thanks for families and for sleeping in and for yummy food and for relaxation.  Your gifts are pretty amazing.  Please teach me to be grateful on more days than just Thanksgiving, and for more instances than simply the the good.  Right now, I'm just particularly thankful for breaks.

Gratefully Yours, 

Catherine

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, 
and I will give you rest.”  -Jesus
Matthew 11:28

Reset

On Friday evening, a group of exhausted medical students huddled together outside a classroom.  One commented to the others,  

“What I really need is a reset button, so that instead of feeling drained and scatterbrained, I would be awake and focused so I could start working on finals prep.”

I readily agreed with that statement.  We were all exhausted from the exams of the week.  How on earth are we supposed to feel prepared for the upcoming cumulative finals? 

I entered my weekend seeking a “reset” button.  I ate pizza and drank soda on Friday night, hoping that little treat would give me motivation.  Nope.  I went to bed early, anticipating waking in the morning feeling rejuvenated.  Ugh.  I still woke up in a fog.  I studied with friends in a different environment.  That went a little better, but still I didn’t feel “reset.” 

This morning I woke up to my alarm clock feeling sluggish.   

“If I just ignore my alarm for another hour, I’d just miss Sunday School… I could still make it for church.  Yes,” I reasoned, “God would most definitely understand.  I’m pretty tired and in need of refreshment, and this is really my only day to sleep in before the week of craziness.  He’d probably want me to get my rest.” 

In the stillness of the morning, the Lord reminded me of a portion of the passage that we had studied last week in Sunday School: 

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 4:16, NIV

“What was that, Lord?  Oh… yes, I remember.  You are the one who does the renewing.  Do You see this?  I'm moving!  I’m going… I’m going.”

Once I was out of bed and on my way, I was caught up in my recently growing anticipation of the church service.  It’s funny how I’m beginning to see church in a different light than I ever have before.  I’m starting to see it as my Sunday School teacher described last week- kind of like a mess hall in the midst of battle.  Typically, by the time you make it to the mess hall, you’re hungry, and maybe even a bit battered.  There’s a cook who dishes out hot, steamy food to those who wait eagerly in line.  You get fed throughout the week while in the field, but sometimes what you get is hit or miss depending on the circumstances, and this is often so much better than your own meager cooking or stale sandwiches.  There’s a triage center for the wounded.  There are nurses and doctors to administer healing words and touch.  Instead of being intermingled with those who share a different battle plan and strategy, you are surrounded by those of like goals and game plan.  There is a place to rest, until it’s time to head out again.

We truly are a "mess" sometimes.  Take this for instance: I’m not typically an emotional individual when it comes to worship, but I was moved to tears as we sang this dear old hymn today at the beginning of the service.  I think I’m going to print it and keep it in the front of my binder this week as a reminder to me Who turns on my reset button.  

“Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Pow'r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
"As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then, in every tribulation,
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation,
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till with Christ the Lord I stand.”

("Day by Day" by Lina Sandell)

If you see me this week, my back might be slightly hunched from bending over my notes and I may have dark circles under my eyes that will progressively become more pronounced, but be not mistaken- outwardly, I may be wasting away, but inwardly I am being "reset" day by day.  Praise the Lord for His work in me!

"The law of the LORD is perfect, 
refreshing the soul. 
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy, 
making wise the simple." 

Psalm 19:7, NIV 

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, 
for his compassions never fail.  
They are new every morning; 
great is your faithfulness. 
I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; 
therefore I will wait for him.'"

Lamentations 3:22-24

Ze Checklist

AHHHHHH!!!  IT'S COMING!!!  My first ever finals week in medical school.  And I'm terrified.  Lately, I've found myself beginning to enjoy making checklists far more than my old fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants self liked making them.  Perhaps it's becoming more necessary.

I've been making lists of items to check off before I get to go home- mostly the big tests.  I've been making lists of things I have to look forward to.  I've been making shopping lists, lists of stuff I need to bring home, of stuff I need to get from home.  The first two lists are incredibly motivational, which is awesome when there's so much to be done.

Louis Pasteur said that "chance favors the prepared mind," so I've been doing my best to make the odds in my favor.  I also know that God honors the prayers of the righteous.  As such, I thought I'd share my schedule with you, with the request that you lift up all of us med students as we prepare and partake in these exams, and as we interact with each other.  A quarter full of information seems a little intimidating as you flip through 6 trees worth of notes!  And stressed out Type A people can be a little rough to be around in large groups sometimes.  We need lots of grace around here :)

Finals schedule:

Nov. 2- OTM Practical- model palpation and patient
Nov. 4-OTM Practical- doctor
Nov. 9- Histology Quiz on Alimentary Canal
Nov. 10- Anatomy Exam 4, DO Practical
Nov. 12- Biochem Exam 5 , Histology Quiz
Nov. 13- Anatomy Lab Practical Review
Nov. 15- Anatomy Comprehensive Final Written Exam
Nov. 16- Histology Comprehensive Final Written Exam
Nov. 17- Histology Image Exam III, non-cumulative, Anatomy Lab Final
Nov. 18- OTM Comprehensive Written Final Exam
Nov. 19- Biochem Comprehensive Written Final


Things I'm looking forward to (tentative schedule): 

Nov. 5- Operation Christmas Child Shopping trip
Nov. 14- CMDA Pancake Dinner
Nov. 19- BEING DONE WITH FINALS!!!, nap, talking to my favorite person in South Korea
Nov. 20- Driving, lunch with Jeremy, sleepover with Anna
Nov. 21- FCC!!! (Wired Sunday School, Worship, Hugs, Kids...basically, my FCC family!!!), giving Bec and Noel their random Christmas presents, Lunch (somewhere other than the D.C. preferably), , Refuge (my girls had better be there), seeing Kaylee Sherman, fried ravioli with Anna, coffee with Chrissy
Nov. 22- Pottery Hollow, coffee date with Miranda, New Testament Survey with Ruth Huston, seeing Doc and Alisa, jam session with Pinky
Nov. 23- Sleeping in, GOING HOME!!!, roadtrip with Anna, hug from Daddy, Mom's cooking, Praying with the little boys, staying up talking with Anna and David
Nov. 24- practicing OMT on my family, maybe visiting the new clinic, baking this Pumpkin Cheesecake that David and Dad are going to LOVE!, seeing TRICIA 
Nov. 25- THANKSGIVING!!!  Lots of baking with my Mom and sister and Tricia
Nov. 26-27- Listening to my favorite Amy Grant Christmas music, scrapbooking, relaxing, maybe seeing Disney's "Tangled" with Mary B
Nov. 28- Worshiping with my EFree church family!

Passage of the week: 

Romans 5:1-5, “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

Things with Wings

Today I saw a tiny lavender moth perched atop one of the season’s last dandelions. I was so excited to see him there that I became almost giddy. Yeah... I'm a dork like that.  Winged things have always made me excited. Every time a flock of sparrows swoops down in front of me, my breath catches in awe. The silvery thin wings of dragonflies cause me to stop in wonder. Even the man-made flying machines- planes, hot air balloons, gliders, kites- even seeing them makes me feel like an excited child on the inside.

Last week, Jeremy told me that he thinks that the purpose of each of our desires here on earth is to cause us to long for something greater, something we have to look forward to in our heavenly home. I think he was talking about getting crowns in heaven... but I started thinking, "Does this potentially mean that one day I too will be able to fly?"

One of my favorite poems by Emily Dickinson describes hope as a thing with wings. The poem reads,

“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.”

(“Hope is the Thing with Feathers” by Emily Dickinson)

Last week in Sunday School as our teacher was leading us in a discussion of 2 Corinthians 4 and 5, he made the observation that throughout the joys and difficulties of life, Christians always have hope.  According to the end of chapter 4, this is because we don't have to focus on the trials of today, but we can look forward to our hope that will come. He made the bold statement that living without hope might as well be hell on earth.

Hope. It’s necessary to have. But what is it? The online Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the action of hoping as “to cherish a desire with anticipation.” This definition brings to mind a Scripture that has been ridiculously encouraging to me the past few months.

Romans 5:1-5 says, “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

Hope. According to this passage, we gain it because of our justification through faith. It's so sure that we're given permission to boast in it. We know that suffering won't take away our hope- it will only make it stronger. Hope doesn't disappoint us, not because we always get what we "hope" for, but because the love of God is continually being poured out on us through His Spirit! THAT is hope.

Hope... to cherish with anticipation... What we hope in will not disappoint... We are to fix our eyes on (or hope for) what is unseen, not what is seen... God gives us desires so that we'll long for our heavenly home...

Perhaps the Lord knew that we would have a fascination with flight. Maybe that’s why King David described God as a thing with wings as well. He said of God, “He will cover you with his feathers,and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” (Psalm 91:4)

Moths, hope, refuge... it's funny what things my brain ties together some days...

Maybe it's just a startling realization, like Sara Groves' song says,  

"Hope has a way of turning its face to you just when you least expect it.  You walk in a room , you look out a window [or in my case, walk into a parking lot] and something there leaves you breathless.  You say to yourself, 'it's been a while since I felt this but it feels like it might be hope.'" 

No matter how strange it is, I like being reminded of hope.

Lord, Thank You for giving me a hope in what is eternal. Give me eyes to see the unseen. What a strange paradox, but You have called me to it. Please teach me not to invest so much "hope" in the temporary things that will disappoint, like tests and deadlines.  Thank You for Your love which continually pours out on me.  Thank You for covering me with Your wings, especially now as I run to You in refuge. I echo the Psalmist as he praises, “Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.” (Psalm 63:7) Thank You for all Your winged creatures and for the wonder and amazement that they bring. Will I get to fly in heaven? If so, that would be awesome. If not, I guess I’ll be content to marvel at the angels.

I love you.

Catherine

Waves

"Crash!" The waves hit the shore. The waters recede gently, until again- “Crash!” The pulsations massage the shore. Always taking a little sand and stone, always bringing just a little bit back.

Later:

“Crash!” Pause. “Crash!” The tempo has picked up. The shoreline barely has a chance to recover before- “Crash!” Another wave hits.

Waves never leave the shore unchanged, even though the casual passerby may not note the displaced grains of sand.

Such is life.


“Waves of mercy, waves of grace. Everywhere I look- I see Your face! Your love has captured me! Oh, my God, this love! How can it be?” (Hillsong United)

Praise God that His waves are more powerful, more overtaking than those of stress, of deadlines, and of exams.

Lord, please continue to crash over me with your waves of mercy and grace. I may need an extra measure these next two weeks.

More Than Enough

"Come near to God and he will come near to you."


It's been a two-week timespan that my classmates have dubbed, "The Two Weeks from Hell."  We've had a test every other day (by Friday, we will have had 6 exams in two weeks), along with numerous quizzes, labs, and a standardized patient encounter (patient actors + student doctors + video cameras + grading).


Today I was ready to collapse.  I have two more tests to go, and after getting this last Anatomy test back, I'm feeling discouraged.  I had even attempted to stay on top of the day-to-day lectures, and had studied my hardest all weekend.  I walked into the test bringing my "A game," but walked out hoping that I passed.  I did pass- but only barely.


I climbed into my car to drive home for my extended lunch break and felt my body begin to melt.  I didn't feel like I had any strength left.  What was the point in studying if I barely passed with hours of work?  I had been persevering, but my energy was wearing out.  I was ready to give up.  While sitting at a red light, I cried out to God, "I have nothing left to give, but so much left to do!  You're all I have left now!"


This has not been an uncommon theme the past few months.  If you know me well, you may have figured out that my love language is encouragement.  I delight in giving it, I thrive in receiving it.  Affirmation for me comes not only from others, but also from feedback on my own performance.  Unfortunately, if my exams had words to speak, they would say to me as I pick them up out of my mailbox, "You obviously had no idea what you were talking about.  You think you studied well?  You think you put in long hours?  You should have studied harder, longer, with more focus, like the people who aced me."   My parents, Jeremy, and my host of facebook-encouragers cheer me on, saying "You can do it!" but not one of them can override the hollowness of striving then failing, striving then succeeding, striving then failing, striving, striving, striving...


Perhaps if they tried harder, my void for affirmation would be filled... 


No, that can't be right.

Recently I was reminded of Chris Tomlin's worship song, "Enough."  In it, he claims, "All of you is more than enough for all of me- for every thirst.  Every need you satisfy me with your love, and all I have in You is more than enough."  For every thirst?  What I crave is affirmation.  Are you saying that He can satisfy this thirst?  


More than one night as I've lay in bed, too exhausted to study more, too exhausted to sleep, I rocked back and forth sniffling to myself, "All of you is more than enough for all of me for every thirst..." until I fell asleep.  I awoke, hoping that the words I had sung the past nights would hold true.
(silly me, why wouldn't I believe it to be so?)


Back to that red light.


I cried out to God, "I have nothing left to give, but so much left to do!  You're all I have left now!"   


In the stillness of the moment, James 4:8 flitted through my mind in a calming whisper:  


"Come near to God and he will come near to you."    


"But Lord," I said, "Will that be enough to get me through today?  I'm exhausted and have so much to do.  All I want to do is lie down.  Are you enough to get me through today?"


"Come near to God and he will come near to you."  


I pulled away from that light feeling as though I had met with God.  I began to feel motivated to study over my lunch break and forego my nap.  By the time I pulled into my driveway, my posture was different, my attitude a little less defeated.


Yes, I am still a little nervous about the rest of the tests that I have this week.  Yes, I am still tired.  No, I'm not caught up and there's still much to be done.  


I might not have retained as much abdominal anatomy as I should have this week, but one thing I have learned: 


my God is more than enough for me.  

Lord, please continue to show me that You are not just enough to get me through, but that You are more than enough.  I am sorry that it has taken me this long to come to a point of believing this to be true.  I thank You for bringing me to this point of brokenness so that I can recognize my deep need for You, and You alone.  Be my strength, my encouragement, my purpose, and my hope.  I praise You for the work You're doing in me.

Love, 

Catherine

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

Add to the Beauty by Sara Groves

We come with beautiful secrets
We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls
We come to every new morning
With possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold

Redemption comes in strange place, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

It comes in small inspirations
It brings redemption to life and work
To our lives and our work

It comes in loving community
It comes in helping a soul find it's worth

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful
This is grace, an invitation

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out our best

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

And this is what I intend to spend my life pursuing... adding to the beauty through the pursuit of redemption, inspiration, grace, love.

Looking Up: Perspectives on Privilege

priv·i·lege  (prv-lj, prvlj)n.1. a. A special advantage, immunity, permission, right, or benefit granted to or enjoyed by an individual, class, or caste. 


“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17

Last night, I returned to Kirksville after spending a wonderful three-day weekend in St. Louis with Jeremy. We were ridiculously productive almost all weekend long (with breaks for the City Museum and Ted Drewes frozen custard), but at one point on Saturday night, my mind began to wander away from the study of Nervous System Histology.

I mulled to myself in my brain,

“Ugh. I have to go home tomorrow. I should NOT have to be spending some of my last precious few hours with Jeremy studying.” 

I had also recently found out that one of my brothers had shot a deer in the morning, another had broken his arm, and my sister was seeing one of my favorite musical artists in concert that evening.

From that point on, a pity party ensued.

*grumble grumble*

“If I didn’t have so much to do, I would have just gone home this weekend, and then I could have seen David’s deer and gone to the concert with Anna.” 

*grumble grumble*

“On top of that, why am I working so hard anyway? No one else is studying this weekend. Besides, I study all the time and still fail most of my tests. Why blow this beautiful break if I'll probably fail even if I do study?” 

*grumble grumble*

“Why does this school dump so much material on me at one time? Don’t they know that we want to have lives?” 

*grumble grumble*

“Why am I even in medical school anyway? It’s way too hard.” 

*influx of tears*


*puzzled boyfriend looks up from Quantum Mechanics homework*


After a few Kleenexes and a reminder from Jeremy that life isn’t all that bad, I retreated to his bathroom to wash my face and talk to God a little bit.

In His ever-so-gentle, yet direct way, He manipulated my perspective ever-so-slightly.

He reminded me that it is a privilege to be able to sit in the same room as my boyfriend as we plod through our homework. The alternative? Studying in my apartment or library by myself.  Not nearly such a treat.

Although it is hard work, and I’m not exactly seeing the fruits of my labor yet, being in medical school is a privilege. It can quickly begin to feel like drudgery when I look at the small picture of day-to-day tasks, but I need to look at the big picture.  I have been selected out of several thousand of applicants to be at this school this year. As a matter of fact, even though my grades in undergrad weren’t the best, nor was my application all that impressive, I obtained one of the first five slots in the class of 2014 out of 172.  That's the "before" part of my med school story.  I'm currently in the tunnel vision of the "during" part of my story.  With the history of how God has gone before me to make a way for me to attend medical school, how much more will He do to get me through it... and also how much more will He use it?

I guess it’s all how you look at it, huh?

How ironic that Jeremy’s pastor at Harvester Christian Church preached on contentment yesterday, only hours after my bathroom conversation with the Lord. Pastor Brian challenged us to look for ways to be thankful for EVERYTHING in our lives, stating “It could always be worse.”  He cited the apostle Paul, who said:

"I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:10-13

Paul made it clear that he had to learn the secret of being content.  It wasn't something that he inherently knew.  He was given the opportunity through circumstances much more dire than having to do homework over Fall Break.  Even then, he was able to claim the Lord's strength and be thankful in all circumstances.

May we be encouraged to imitate the apostle Paul in his quest to learn the secret of contentment.  Perhaps it lies in what he admonished the Philippians to do only a few verses earlier:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Dear Lord,

Thank You for Your good gifts. Please teach me to look for the positive that You place in every situation, and to be content whatever the circumstances. Protect me from the dangerous pity parties that inhibit me from appreciating the gifts you have given me.  What a privilege it is to be able to live in Your grace- truly a gift we don't deserve.  Please use this medical school experience to mold me into the woman that You intend for me to be. Thanks again!

Love,

Catherine

Parched

<sup>Psalm 42:1-43:5

 1</sup> As the deer pants for streams of water,
       so my soul pants for you, O God. 

 ² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
       When can I go and meet with God? 

 ³ My tears have been my food
       day and night,
       while men say to me all day long,
       "Where is your God?" 

 ⁴ These things I remember
       as I pour out my soul:
       how I used to go with the multitude,
       leading the procession to the house of God,
       with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
       among the festive throng. 

 ⁵ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and ⁶ my God.
       My soul is downcast within me;
       therefore I will remember you
       from the land of the Jordan,
       the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. 

 ⁷ Deep calls to deep
       in the roar of your waterfalls;
       all your waves and breakers
       have swept over me. 

 ⁸ By day the LORD directs his love,
       at night his song is with me—
       a prayer to the God of my life. 

 ⁹ I say to God my Rock,
       "Why have you forgotten me?
       Why must I go about mourning,
       oppressed by the enemy?" 

 ¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
       as my foes taunt me,
       saying to me all day long,
       "Where is your God?" 

 ¹¹ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and my God.

¹ Vindicate me, O God,
       and plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
       rescue me from deceitful and wicked men. 

 ² You are God my stronghold.
       Why have you rejected me?
       Why must I go about mourning,
       oppressed by the enemy? 

 ³ Send forth your light and your truth,
       let them guide me;
       let them bring me to your holy mountain,
       to the place where you dwell. 

 ⁴ Then will I go to the altar of God,
       to God, my joy and my delight.
       I will praise you with the harp,
       O God, my God. 

 ⁵ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and my God.

Since moving to Kirksville, I have often felt exhausted, like a deer panting by streams of water.  My soul has been downcast.  Medical school is hard, and I don't always deal with it well.  I always knew that the first quarter would be some of the more difficult days of my life thus far, but I had conveniently forgotten that until a few failed tests jolted me to reality.  As a result, my tears have been my food on multiple occasions.  From amidst my piles of notes, texts books, and binders, I cry out with the Psalmist, "Where can I go and meet with God?"  In the church-hunting process, I remembered the past when I was an integral part of worship.  Now, I long to be a part of such a communal process.  I have thirsted to come away from a Sunday morning feeling refreshed and challenged.


Here I am, craving time with believers.  I am struggling in school.  I am exhausted.  I miss my family.  I feel as though I'm on a roller coaster of emotions.  But to where do I turn?  I study harder.  I call Jeremy.  I cry.  But this thirst, this ache cannot be filled by crammed knowledge or earthly words of comfort.

The Psalmist says, "Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?"  In the midst of turmoil, he remembers to put his hope in God, and continues to praise Him as the Savior from his trials.  He remembers historically of the times that God has been faithful to him.  He reminds himself that God is with him both day and night.  Though he feels as though God has forgotten him, he remembers that it is God who gives him strength.

Oh Lord, teach me to trust in You, as You did Your servant David.  You have been faithful throughout my life, and I know that You will be faithful still.  Please, send forth Your light and Your truth to guide me to the place where You dwell.  Meet me in my studies, where Your creation speaks volumes of Your ingenuity and intricacy.  Remind me that this is not only in Your church buildings, but in me, Your sanctuary.  Bring me to Your holy altar here, in stillness and quiet, and remind me that You are my joy and delight.  

Lord, now that I am beginning to find my place within this faith community, do not let me think that my thirst for You has been quenched.  Refresh me, but only to make me thirsty again, O God, my God.  You are my Rock, and for this I will praise You.  

My soul is downcast, but I will chose to put my hope in You, my Savior and my God.

Amen



*disclaimer: this passage, although an often referenced passage in my Bible the last few weeks, was the focus of the sermon today at the First Baptist church which Melissa and I visited.  I did leave feeling refreshed and encouraged to run to my Rock.  Thank You, Lord!

just keep spinning

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

 

I've recently started attending a spinning class.  Now when I first heard of this, I thought to myself, "How hard can it be?"

For those of you who have never tried spinning, it's basically an intense cardio workout on exercise bikes.  It's an intense hour!  I don't sweat easily, and this class definitely causes me to glisten.  It's a great class.  We have an enthusiastic instructor who makes it really fun, and there are some great girls in the class.  However, while I'm in class, I can't wait for it to be over.  I watch the clock.  My legs burn.  My butt hurts.  Ow.  I can't stop though, because I've made a commitment to going to this class Tuesdays and Thursdays this quarter.  I also really look forward to lowering my resting heart rate as the result of the cardio, and maybe even a more toned pair of legs ;)

I think I've been viewing med school kinda like I view my spinning class.  It's good.  We have great teachers and awesome classmates, but really, it's painful.  Some days I just can't wait for these two years to be done.  I look forward to having the knowledge to bring healing... and also that awesome title of "Dr. Catherine."

I'd just like to automatically have a really awesome resting pulse (and sexy legs), but it takes work to get there.  Luckily for me, I've found a really great class that will help me accomplish my goal.

Likewise, I'd love to naturally be gifted with the knowledge that it takes to be a physician, but it takes work to get there.  I am blessed to have been placed at a school that will rigorously bring me through my studies in a way that can inspire awe and wonder.


Lord, please help me not to wish the moments away.  Allow me to see Your handiwork in each lecture and study session.  Open my eyes to see these two years as a wonderful gift.  Teach me to make every second count, not only for my studies, but most importantly, for Your kingdom.  Give me the discipline and "muscle tone" to see this through to the end with excellence.  And please, Father, make me stronger with time.

Amen.

Status Update

It’s kind of funny how one thinks in terms of facebook. This past two weeks, as I have experienced something, I've automatically turned it into a facebook status. The last two weeks have been rough. Here have been some of my mental updates:

Catherine Weyers is exhausted.

Catherine Weyers can’t keep up.

Catherine Weyers is becoming an insomniac again.

Catherine Weyers is sick.

Catherine Weyers is worried.

Catherine Weyers failed.

Catherine Weyers is lonely.

Catherine Weyers can’t do this.

I would never actually put those things in my facebook status. Too much pride? Don’t want to complain? Eh. I don’t know. This time of transition has been difficult, but it has also been wonderful. I enjoy my classes. I have some pretty awesome friends. I’ve gotten plugged into a Bible study. I’ve received encouragement from places I didn’t expect it. Most importantly, I am often reminded that Jesus’ promises remain true in the moments when I feel like I’m at the end of my rope.

Example:

Catherine Weyers is exhausted.

“My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31

Catherine Weyers can’t keep up.

“I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

Catherine Weyers is becoming an insomniac again.

"My [daughter], preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; then... when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." Proverbs 3: 21, 24

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eteral glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Catherine Weyers is sick again.

“And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped. ‘Who touched me?’ Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, ‘Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.’ But Jesus said, ‘Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me. Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.’”  Luke 8:43-48

Catherine Weyers is worried.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Catherine Weyers failed.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Catherine Weyers is lonely.

“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20

Catherine Weyers can’t do this.

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13


Thank You, Jesus.  Amen.

tent

Disclaimer: If this post if found to be offensive to anyone, please inform me, and I will remove it.  My goal was to sensitive, yet transparent.

"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad." 2 Corinthians 5:1-10

I had dreaded this day for several years. The day that I would meet my first patient.

She isn’t just any patient. I am not trying to heal her, but am trying to learn from her.

I had spent a considerable part of the previous week mentally detaching myself from touching a dead human, but Dr. Uray ruined that for me. Before heading over to the lab building that dreaded day, we had a lecture in our classroom. Dr. Uray spoke about the honor it is to be gifted with a body, and the responsibility that goes along with it. He read an essay and a poem about the relationship between the student and the body, and between the body and the life from which it came. My mental detachment came reattached. My stomach became queasy, and tears began to fill my eyes at the thought of a stranger giving their body so that I can become a more competent physician.

Only a few moments later, my lab partner slowly unzipped the blue vinyl tarp bag. She has been deceased for awhile now. Her skin was cold. Her eyes sealed shut, never to open again. I noted general body structures, surface abnormalities, and quickly covered her again. I imagined her making that decision in the last days of her life, choosing to serve a girl whom she would never meet in such a large capacity. I then viewed a chart- not her medical file, but merely an excel document that contained the bare details of the bodies that occupied each table in the room. All we gleaned were her age of death, cause of death, and whether or not her family members wanted her ashes at the conclusion of our class. In respect to the patient, these details have been omitted from this reflection.

The experience was both unnerving and humbling.

I've never really had to deal with death. I mean, I had touched cadavers before, but only with their heads covered and chest cavities exposed. I’ve only been to three funerals, but never of anyone extremely close.

My brain kept on wandering back to the beginning of 2 Corinthians 5. The apostle Paul discussed our body as a tent. Something as a sort of temporal dwelling. Definitely not permanent. He says that now our bodies groan, longing to be covered in their heavenly dwelling. This earthly tent is messed up. If it weren’t, I wouldn’t be pursuing this profession. My first patient died of a disease. I wonder if she ever groaned in longing for her heavenly body as her earthly body gave way?

I remember that farther in 2 Corinthians 5, the apostle greatly anticipates his departure from his tent. He seems to emphasize that for those who believe, death is not a scary prospect. It is a hope in a better future, one in which we will discard these aching, temporal, dwellings and exchange them for one imperishable.

Did she know this when she died? I do not know. All I know is that she has left me her tent.




Because the body is only a tent, I am able to glean knowledge from one who has passed. Because the body is a tent- one in which the Holy Spirit dwells, I must bring it to proper health so that it is fit for His lodging. Because the body is only a tent, I do not have to fear death. Because the body is only a tent, I can anticipate a more permanent residence for my soul. Because the body is only a temporal tent, I must inform those around me that this tent is not the end, but that our souls can move on to an eternal home.

This is my body,

The shell of my being

Which is given to you.

In the final offering

To the world

I share the elements of life.

From these old bones,

These ligaments,

My sinews and my nerves

May that life force

That ran in me

Shine forth once more

And pass to you

The Knowledge and the power

That help sustain

The miracle of life.

-Unknown