Listen up, yo!

We have class every morning at 8am.  Occasionally at 8am, I am not ready to listen.  Most of the time I show up to class anyway, and in such instances, nibble on my Cinnamon Life cereal and stare blankly at the professor hoping that some bit of knowledge will smack into my skull and stick.

I must come to class, prepared to engage in what the professor has prepared to teach.  If I’m really ambitious, and I really want to gain the most out of my classroom experience, I’ll even read the lecture notes that he stuck in my mailbox the day before.

Sometimes I feel like I might as well have stayed in bed.

Sometimes I do stay in bed.

All because I am not prepared to listen, I miss out on an opportunity to be a little less behind.

I think that my prayer life is like that.  Sometimes (well, more than I’d like to admit), I am not ready to listen.  I show up, and stare blankly at the ceiling or the back of my eyelids, hoping that some revelation will smack into my skull and stick.

I must come before the Lord, prepared to engage Him.  Prepared to hear what He has for me.  If I really want to get the most out of my interaction with the Lord, I will even take time to read the Note that He penned out for me many years ago.

Sometimes I feel like I might as well have stayed asleep.

Sometimes I do stay asleep.

All because I am not prepared to listen, I miss out on an interaction with the God of the universe.

That brings me to my goal for this quarter: my goal is to be intentional about 1) my attentive presence in class, whether that means that I sleep a little more or drink a little more coffee, I will do my best to engage in class.  This means NO SKIPPING.  2) I will do my best to be intentional about daily time in prayer.  This doesn't just mean shooting up a hasty, "HELP!" but spending time engaging with God- taking time to be still before Him.

"He says, 'Be still, and know that I am God; 
I will be exalted among the nations, 
I will be exalted in the earth.'"  Psalm 46:10

“This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it--the LORD is his name: ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’”  Jeremiah 33:2-3

cupcake confessions

This weekend, I baked lots of cupcakes for our CMDA fundraiser.  I made chai latte cupcakes, strawberry and cream cupcakes, cappuccino chocolate chip cupcakes, and last, but definitely not least, I made funfetti ice cream cone cupcakes.

Yes.  Ice cream cones and funfetti.  What could be more fun than that?  

As I was filling the cones with the delicious batter, I pondered how full to fill them.  One of the recipes I looked at said to fill them 2/3 of the way full, as all cupcake recipes say, even the ones in the not-as-exciting paper cups.  I always overfill them.  I like a heaping cupcake, ya know?  I want it to look like the cupcakes in the magazines.  2/3 full will NOT get them looking like the cupcakes in the magazines.

But I didn’t want to screw up the ice cream cone cupcakes.  I sat and pondered, “Does Betty Crocker mean 2/3 full according to height or according to volume?”  The “fill line” would be very different based on which I would choose.  Of course, I picked the one that would allow more batter in the ice cream cone- the volume distinction.  And of course, I went just a tad bit over.  Because that’s probably what Betty Crocker did.

The result?

Well, here it is:

It kinda looks like Salvador Dali was in my kitchen, huh?

Apparently there’s a reason that they have to be only 2/3 full.  And even though I’ve gotten away with over-filling many times, this time, I didn’t.

As I scooped cupcake batter out of the next set of ice cream cones that were ready to go into the oven, I pondered the placement of rules and guidelines in my life.  I’ve never been too much of a rebel.  I mean, the extent of pushing the limits for me is usually filling cupcake liners past 2/3 or speeding 2 miles per hour over the speed limit on the interstate or something like that.

Why were those guidelines put into place anyway?  Was it because someone doesn’t want my cupcakes to look as pretty as the one on the recipe?  Probably not.  It’s probably been determined that is the fullness that is best for good results.  Have I gotten away with not following the rules a time or two (or 6)?  Yes.  Does that mean that it was necessarily best?  Eh.  Probably not.

The same holds true for the speed limit.  Why was it put into place?  Because some horrible man wanted to kill my joyride?  Probably not.  More than likely, the speed limit was set because it has been calculated to be the optimum speed for my safety.  Have I gotten away with not following the rules a time or two?  Yes.  I’ve never gotten in an accident, and I’ve never gotten a ticket.  Does that mean that it was necessarily the best idea for me to speed?  Eh.  Probably not.

The Bible is full of rules and guidelines.  It’s something that turns many people off to its content.  Why were those guidelines put in the Bible?  To ruin our fun?  Probably not.  More than likely, they were placed in the Bible so that the God who created us can show us the best way possible to enjoy what He’s given us.  Have I “gotten away” with not following His rules?  Yes.  Does that mean that it was necessarily the best idea for me to do?  Most definitely not.

I'd take this analogy further, but the second batch of funfetti ice cream cone cupcakes are ready to come out of the oven, and they look much better this time!

Much better!

More goodness...

chai latte w/ cream cheese icing, dusted w/ cinnamon

strawberry and cream w/ white chocolate garnish

hazelnut cappuccino chip w/ chocolate covered espresso bean

Picket

Picket

Pick it

Pick the scab

It was 

Not nearly healed

Not healed at all, actually

She is

Already hurting

Already confused

Yet you

Picket

Pick it

Representing a God
Who forgives

Yet you condemn

Technically

We share
The same views

On life

And abortion

And loving babies

But I’m not sure I agree

With how you
Approach it

You picked it

She’s bleeding

Deep down inside

There is

A Healer

Who loves

Forgives

Mends

Redeems

She has enough pain

Enough confusion

All of her own

And He shouldn’t have to heal

The hurt that you cause

In addition

You can sit there

And pray

If you want

You can even speak truth

If you speak it in love

For both mommy and baby

But picket?

Quit it

World Water Week 2011

It's been three years since I first found out that not everyone has clean water to drink.  It has been three years since I began learning and praying and researching.  In some ways, it feels as though I'm putting my burden on hold by coming to medical school, but I know that this is a part of God's plan for me.  I'm just not sure how He's going to put it all together yet.

This year for World Water Week (March 20-26), I have the opportunity to participate in ATSU-UNICEF's Tap Project, which brings together communities and local restaurants to raise money to provide clean water sources in high need areas of the world.

I haven't had much time to reflect in writing, but here are a few of the reflections from the past few years:

World Water Week 2010: 

Are You Thirsty?

Are you thirsty Catherine?

Would you like some water to drink?

There’s a shelf stacked with sealed bottles,

There’s a tap running free.

Would you like a drink of water?

Are you sweaty Catherine?

Would you like to take a shower?

It is so refreshing, running down your face,

Taking all the dirt and grime away.

Would you like to rinse the filth off?

Would you wash your hands before you eat Catherine?

Can you scrub them up really well?

There’s a meal prepared

And the table’s set.

Would you wash your hands real good?

Will you give me a glass of water Catherine?

Will you wash My dirty feet?

Will you lay a table before Me,

Even if My hands aren’t clean?

Would you serve the least of these,

If the least of these was Me?

In 2002, 1.1 billion people lacked access to improved water sources, which represented 17% of the global population.

1.8 million people die every year from diarrheal diseases (including cholera); 90% are children under 5, mostly in developing countries.  This translates to one child dying from a water-related illness every 21 seconds.

More than 2.7 billion people (about 42% of the world’s population) have inadequate or nonexistent access to proper sanitation, over half of which live in China and India.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’  Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?  When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?  When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’  The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’”   Matthew 25:34-40

Initial Reflections 2009: May I have a drink?

Here's something I tried to do to help (2010-2011, present): LotsofDrops.org

There are so many great organizations and resources out there!  I encourage you to use Lots of Drops or Google as a launch pad and empower yourself for the sake of children around the world!

Happy Water Week!

Study to cram, or study for life change?

“For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”  Hebrews 4:12

 “The point of study is not to cram information into your mind, but for life change to happen.”

I often forget this as I go through my day to day studies.  Some days I feel like all I do is pack and rearrange information in my brain, as though I’m packing my car for a very long road trip.  I am not, however, studying for the purpose of cramming information into my mind.  That would be a silly purpose.  I am studying so that I can go from being just plain old me, to being a doctor.  That, my friends, is a life change.

Surprisingly enough, the man who said that wasn’t referring to medical students when he made that statement.  The man was Brian Jobe, pastor of Jeremy’s church, Harvester Christian Church, and the topic was on the importance of the validity of Scripture and its effect on our lives.

I often forget this as I go through my day-to-day Bible reading.  Some days, I feel like all I’m doing is reading something that I’ve already read, or reading obligatorily.  That’s not the purpose of reading the sacred Scriptures.  The purpose is to come to know God, through stories of His love and faithfulness, and then personally through His Son Jesus Christ.

I am studying so that I can go from being sinful me, to being a child of God who loves the Father and emulates His Son.

That, my friends, is a life change. 

“While you read the Bible, it reads you.  That is the ‘living and active’ part.” –Brian Jobe

“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:16-17

Redeemed

I’ve heard redemption described as trading in something not-so-great for something amazing.  It also could be described as setting free, or to rescue.

If this is the case, I have experienced redemption in the last week.

This isn’t something that I’m incredibly proud of, but I want to make sure that God receives the glory, for as I am reminded in Scripture, I need to be willing to boast in my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may be shown in me.

"Therefore, as it is written: 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.'" 1 Corinthians 1:31

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

I struggled this quarter in Physiology.  Combining mathematics with just about anything makes my brain go into an insta-panic.  Regardless, I delved into this new class, determined to figure out a way to make it work.  See guidance counselor about my fears.  Test 1- fail.  Try new study habits.  Even study over Christmas break.  Test 2- fail.  Tear-filled visit to head of the Phys department.  Try more study habits.  Get behind studying for other classes to study Phys.  Test 3- pass.  Finals fast approaching.  Cramming for everything.  Test 4- fail.

Basically, that meant that I was going into finals week with an already failing grade.  Not a good place to be.

There was a small chance, an eensy-weensy speck of a chance, that I could pass the class.  You see, the Physiology department has a “pass the final, pass the class” policy.  The only problem was that I didn’t understand the material the first time around, when it was offered in chunks (not bite-sized chunks, but still chunks), how was I supposed to pass the cumulative exam, especially when it was at the very end of a crazy week of finals?

I was pretty sure that I was actually going to legitimately fail something.  My heart sunk into the pits of my stomach when I realized how ridiculous it was going to be to have to pass that test.  Anxiety settled into my being as though it were prepared to be there for a week-long visit.

I cried out to God.  I’ve been nervous before, but I’d never experienced this crushing anxiety.  I knew that as a believer in God, I didn’t have to let it stay.  I’m pretty sure that if I had a dollar for every time that I repeated Philippians 4:6-7 during finals week, I could pay my tuition for next semester.  

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7

As I received my pre-finals grade report in my mail box, and my heart sunk even further.  Yup.  It was confirmed.  It was gonna take a miracle to pass this class.

When I got home from school, I tossed the grade report on my night stand and started to study.  But there it lay, staring at me, haunting me.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I grabbed the paper and wrote in big black letters the verses that I had chosen to be my theme for finals week.  Philippians 4:6-7 followed, and then more and more verses filled the page with words of truth on God’s faithfulness and of His power in weakness.

That scary paper became an alter to the Lord on which I laid out my Physiology grade.

I studied hard that week, even though I often felt that it was for naught.  I asked those around me for prayer, an act that was ridiculously humbling.  I didn’t want people to know that I was so close to… 

failing.

I studied for other classes, and one by one, finals went well.  I passed all of my finals with flying colors (for me, anyway).  

For some reason, I thought that by praying through Philippians 4 repetitively, my anxiety would be banished, or at least stifled.  Ha.  No such luck.  Just when I would think that I was being calm and productive, it would ambush my core.  Again I would cry out to God, asking Him to take it away.  This was an almost continuous process for a week.

My dear friend Jenna and I pulled an almost-all-nighter the day before the exam.  I wanted to make sure that even if I failed, that I had studied as absolutely much as possible.

I experienced a reassuring peace during that long night- until the sun came up.  I thought I was going to throw up.  I was tired.  I was scared.  I was sooo over studying.

As I drove to the exam, a familiar verse flowed through my mind as a soothing balm:

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

My own understanding was pretty shaky at that moment, and I knew it was going to take a miracle to be able to keep it all straight, yet I claimed those verses as I walked into the test.

It was a long one.  It was fair, yet difficult.  I determined that worst case scenario, I had gotten a 55%.  Not good enough to pass.  Best case scenario?  A 71%.  Barely there, but it wasn’t likely.

Later that night, on my way to pick up my grades from school, I had a little conversation with God.  It was as if He was saying in His gentle whispers, 

“Catherine, what is the purpose of your life?”

“Well, to glorify Your name, of course.”

“Can you do that by passing Physiology?

“Uhhh… of course!”

“Is it necessary to pass Physiology to glorify My name?”

“Uhhh… no.”

With that realization in mind, I shakily began to sing the Doxology, because that was the only way I could think at that moment to praise the name of God.  

“Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.”

I sang it over and over, in all of the versions I knew as I drove to school, as I walked to the wailing wall (or our wall of mail boxes), as I slipped out that dreaded sheet of paper, and as I drove back to my apartment without unfolding it.

To make a long story a little bit shorter, and to kill the suspenseful moment, I unfolded that paper to find out that I had PASSED THE FINAL, and as such, had passed the class.  I’d even had points to spare.

As I promised God, I want to use this experience to ensure that His name was the one that received the glory.  So here goes my feeble attempt: 

It is He that specializes in taking that which is undesirable and trading it in for something wonderful.  It is He who frees from anxiety and fear.  It is He who frees from repeating Physiology.  It is my God who gives strength and clarity.  It is He who brings the victory.  

It is He who redeems. 

Remember that piece of paper that I pulled out of my mailbox the weekend before finals?  The one that I covered with verses and proclaimed to be my alter before the Lord?  It has a name.  It’s name is Ebenezer.   It is now framed on my desk as a reminder of God’s faithfulness.

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." I Samuel 7:12

Little Girl Heart Alive

I’ve always been an imaginer, a dreamer. 

When I was a kid, I would make elaborate stories for my siblings and I to act out.  I would weave ridiculous plots for my barbies and dollies.  I would play dress-up for hours on end.  I was a princess, of course.  Or a chef, or a doctor, or… the list goes on and on.  Anna and I would build forts and go on adventures and find cloud pictures.  We played in the mud and had imaginary pets.

It's a shame that I exchanged my imaginary friends for items of reality.  I remember when I began to think that I was too “cool” to make up stories for Anna and David in the backyard.  Anna was incredibly angry with me.

Though I am older now, and haven’t played dress up in a while, I am still a dreamer.  I still imagine what I can become and who I will be.  Sometimes my dreams are a little bit fanciful, but most of the time, I am pretty sure that I could make them become reality if only I dream hard enough… and try hard enough.  Combining the two almost paradoxical parts of childhood and adulthood.

The past month or so, I’ve had the privilege of leading our Christian Medical and Dental Association Bible study through Matthew 13.  In it, Jesus tells a few parables which he starts, “The Kingdom of heaven is like…”

While we’ve traded the adventurous nature of our childhood for the responsibilities and cares of being a grown up, it seems like seeking the Kingdom of heaven is meant to be a grand adventure.  By seeking out the Kingdom, we have a chance to bring it here.  It is a place that only dreams are made of.

I think it was ingenious of the King to instill within us childlike wonder.  I think it was completely intentional that we must strive to keep this sense of adventure.  I also think that it is an act of the enemy of the King that he get us all wrapped up in our day-to-day business, forgetting what an adventure that we have been invited to take part in.

Last week, I downloaded a fabulous c.d. by Andrew Peterson for some finals’ week background music.  On it was a song that resonated with my dreamer's spirit, that called for us to be a part of this wonderful adventure.

Here, I’ll let you read the lyrics and be reminded of the call yourself:

Open the door and run outside
Your little boy heart alive
Into the morning light
Into the deep and wide

Dinosaur bones in the flowerbed
Rockets in the clouds
In a fight with a spider’s web
Tunnels in the ground

Winding to China
To the mist of the distant shore
Better be home by suppertime
Back through the planet core

Feel the beat of a distant thunder
It’s the sound of an ancient song
This is the Kingdom calling
Come now and tread the dawn

Come to the Father
Come to the deeper well
Drink of the water
And come to live a tale to tell

Pages are turning now
This is abundant life
The joy in the journey
Is enough to make a grown man cry
With a little boy heart alive

Kings and castles in the neighborhood
Swords on the forest floor
Dragons in the magic wood
Better saddle your battle horse

Fighting Goliath
Better choose your weapons right
Five little stones and a faith on fire
In a little boy heart alive

Met a kid at the railroad track
He had a stick and a nylon sack
I ran to the house to pack
I wanted to follow

Take a ride on the mighty lion
Take a hold of the golden mane
This is the love of Jesus
So good but it is not tame

Ever the road goes on and on
Ever the road goes on and on and on

Little Boy Heart Alive by Andrew Peterson

final thoughts

of the day, regarding finals and other parts of life 


" Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" -Mary Anne Radmacher


" Going one more round when you don't think you can- that's what makes all the difference in your life."  -Rocky

Bring me word of Your unfailing love

⁴ So my spirit grows faint within me;
   my heart within me is dismayed.
⁵ I remember the days of long ago;
   I meditate on all your works
   and consider what your hands have done.
⁶ I spread out my hands to you;
   I thirst for you like a parched land.
 ⁷ Answer me quickly, LORD;
   my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
   or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
⁸ Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
   for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
   for to you I entrust my life.
⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,
   for I hide myself in you.
¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
   for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
   lead me on level ground.
 ¹¹ For your name’s sake, LORD, preserve my life;
   in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
¹² In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
   destroy all my foes,
   for I am your servant.

Psalm 143:4-12

princess of procrastination

 It's the Sunday before finals, and I don't want to study any more.  I'm pushing through, but it's becoming a bit of a drudgery.

Just now, I was trying to remind myself that it is a privilege to be here, to be studying the wondrous workings of the human body, and this little verse popped into my head: 


“It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings.”  Proverbs 25:2


Hmmmm... I'm searching out things that God has concealed deep beneath my skin... does that mean that I'm completing a royal task?  Perhaps thinking of it that way would spice this whole studying thing up a little bit! 


Now where's my tiara?

gas prices

With Egypt setting the trend, insurgents are making their move across oppressed nations.  In the news this week is Libya.

How did I find out?  I'm in a little bubble of medical school, and in my own little bubble, all I knew about was the increasing price of gas.  I didn't know that my fuel came from Libya, which she isn't shipping because she has a few things on her mind. 

Here's a little of what I learned today (quoting from a UNICEF press release): 

“Political turmoil and violence has escalated, forcing a huge new wave of women and children to flee for safety into Tunisia. But their sheer number is overwhelming relief efforts on the border, and Tunisian authorities are periodically closing off the border. Many children are now trapped on the Libyan side, without water, without shelter, many injured with no medical care.”

and

“Nearly 100,000 people have already fled the conflict, and conditions in refugee camps in Tunisia and Egypt are already dire.”

Here I am, wondering how and why I'm gonna fill my gas tank at 3.35$ per gallon.

Half-way around the world, they’re wondering if they will be lucky enough to be allowed through to safety- if this will be the day that the border guards will let people through.  They’re wondering who around them might be the "bad guys."  Some of them might not be too sure which side is good.  They might be wondering if their families are alive, if their homes are still standing, and if they’re gonna have the food and water to make it through another day. 

The issues surrounding the conflict are much more complex, however, one thing is clear: freedom is bought at a price. 

Not only at the price of gas and of revolutionaries, but also at the price of innocent men, women, and children huddled on the border.  

And we worry about the price of gasoline...

Author's note: I would like gas prices to go down.  I'm on a semi-strict budget, and I would like to be able to gallivant around Missouri and Illinois over my up-coming spring break.  But there are just some things that put such freedoms of mine in perspective.