Study to cram, or study for life change?

“For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”  Hebrews 4:12

 “The point of study is not to cram information into your mind, but for life change to happen.”

I often forget this as I go through my day to day studies.  Some days I feel like all I do is pack and rearrange information in my brain, as though I’m packing my car for a very long road trip.  I am not, however, studying for the purpose of cramming information into my mind.  That would be a silly purpose.  I am studying so that I can go from being just plain old me, to being a doctor.  That, my friends, is a life change.

Surprisingly enough, the man who said that wasn’t referring to medical students when he made that statement.  The man was Brian Jobe, pastor of Jeremy’s church, Harvester Christian Church, and the topic was on the importance of the validity of Scripture and its effect on our lives.

I often forget this as I go through my day-to-day Bible reading.  Some days, I feel like all I’m doing is reading something that I’ve already read, or reading obligatorily.  That’s not the purpose of reading the sacred Scriptures.  The purpose is to come to know God, through stories of His love and faithfulness, and then personally through His Son Jesus Christ.

I am studying so that I can go from being sinful me, to being a child of God who loves the Father and emulates His Son.

That, my friends, is a life change. 

“While you read the Bible, it reads you.  That is the ‘living and active’ part.” –Brian Jobe

“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:16-17

Redeemed

I’ve heard redemption described as trading in something not-so-great for something amazing.  It also could be described as setting free, or to rescue.

If this is the case, I have experienced redemption in the last week.

This isn’t something that I’m incredibly proud of, but I want to make sure that God receives the glory, for as I am reminded in Scripture, I need to be willing to boast in my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may be shown in me.

"Therefore, as it is written: 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.'" 1 Corinthians 1:31

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

I struggled this quarter in Physiology.  Combining mathematics with just about anything makes my brain go into an insta-panic.  Regardless, I delved into this new class, determined to figure out a way to make it work.  See guidance counselor about my fears.  Test 1- fail.  Try new study habits.  Even study over Christmas break.  Test 2- fail.  Tear-filled visit to head of the Phys department.  Try more study habits.  Get behind studying for other classes to study Phys.  Test 3- pass.  Finals fast approaching.  Cramming for everything.  Test 4- fail.

Basically, that meant that I was going into finals week with an already failing grade.  Not a good place to be.

There was a small chance, an eensy-weensy speck of a chance, that I could pass the class.  You see, the Physiology department has a “pass the final, pass the class” policy.  The only problem was that I didn’t understand the material the first time around, when it was offered in chunks (not bite-sized chunks, but still chunks), how was I supposed to pass the cumulative exam, especially when it was at the very end of a crazy week of finals?

I was pretty sure that I was actually going to legitimately fail something.  My heart sunk into the pits of my stomach when I realized how ridiculous it was going to be to have to pass that test.  Anxiety settled into my being as though it were prepared to be there for a week-long visit.

I cried out to God.  I’ve been nervous before, but I’d never experienced this crushing anxiety.  I knew that as a believer in God, I didn’t have to let it stay.  I’m pretty sure that if I had a dollar for every time that I repeated Philippians 4:6-7 during finals week, I could pay my tuition for next semester.  

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7

As I received my pre-finals grade report in my mail box, and my heart sunk even further.  Yup.  It was confirmed.  It was gonna take a miracle to pass this class.

When I got home from school, I tossed the grade report on my night stand and started to study.  But there it lay, staring at me, haunting me.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I grabbed the paper and wrote in big black letters the verses that I had chosen to be my theme for finals week.  Philippians 4:6-7 followed, and then more and more verses filled the page with words of truth on God’s faithfulness and of His power in weakness.

That scary paper became an alter to the Lord on which I laid out my Physiology grade.

I studied hard that week, even though I often felt that it was for naught.  I asked those around me for prayer, an act that was ridiculously humbling.  I didn’t want people to know that I was so close to… 

failing.

I studied for other classes, and one by one, finals went well.  I passed all of my finals with flying colors (for me, anyway).  

For some reason, I thought that by praying through Philippians 4 repetitively, my anxiety would be banished, or at least stifled.  Ha.  No such luck.  Just when I would think that I was being calm and productive, it would ambush my core.  Again I would cry out to God, asking Him to take it away.  This was an almost continuous process for a week.

My dear friend Jenna and I pulled an almost-all-nighter the day before the exam.  I wanted to make sure that even if I failed, that I had studied as absolutely much as possible.

I experienced a reassuring peace during that long night- until the sun came up.  I thought I was going to throw up.  I was tired.  I was scared.  I was sooo over studying.

As I drove to the exam, a familiar verse flowed through my mind as a soothing balm:

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

My own understanding was pretty shaky at that moment, and I knew it was going to take a miracle to be able to keep it all straight, yet I claimed those verses as I walked into the test.

It was a long one.  It was fair, yet difficult.  I determined that worst case scenario, I had gotten a 55%.  Not good enough to pass.  Best case scenario?  A 71%.  Barely there, but it wasn’t likely.

Later that night, on my way to pick up my grades from school, I had a little conversation with God.  It was as if He was saying in His gentle whispers, 

“Catherine, what is the purpose of your life?”

“Well, to glorify Your name, of course.”

“Can you do that by passing Physiology?

“Uhhh… of course!”

“Is it necessary to pass Physiology to glorify My name?”

“Uhhh… no.”

With that realization in mind, I shakily began to sing the Doxology, because that was the only way I could think at that moment to praise the name of God.  

“Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.”

I sang it over and over, in all of the versions I knew as I drove to school, as I walked to the wailing wall (or our wall of mail boxes), as I slipped out that dreaded sheet of paper, and as I drove back to my apartment without unfolding it.

To make a long story a little bit shorter, and to kill the suspenseful moment, I unfolded that paper to find out that I had PASSED THE FINAL, and as such, had passed the class.  I’d even had points to spare.

As I promised God, I want to use this experience to ensure that His name was the one that received the glory.  So here goes my feeble attempt: 

It is He that specializes in taking that which is undesirable and trading it in for something wonderful.  It is He who frees from anxiety and fear.  It is He who frees from repeating Physiology.  It is my God who gives strength and clarity.  It is He who brings the victory.  

It is He who redeems. 

Remember that piece of paper that I pulled out of my mailbox the weekend before finals?  The one that I covered with verses and proclaimed to be my alter before the Lord?  It has a name.  It’s name is Ebenezer.   It is now framed on my desk as a reminder of God’s faithfulness.

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." I Samuel 7:12

Little Girl Heart Alive

I’ve always been an imaginer, a dreamer. 

When I was a kid, I would make elaborate stories for my siblings and I to act out.  I would weave ridiculous plots for my barbies and dollies.  I would play dress-up for hours on end.  I was a princess, of course.  Or a chef, or a doctor, or… the list goes on and on.  Anna and I would build forts and go on adventures and find cloud pictures.  We played in the mud and had imaginary pets.

It's a shame that I exchanged my imaginary friends for items of reality.  I remember when I began to think that I was too “cool” to make up stories for Anna and David in the backyard.  Anna was incredibly angry with me.

Though I am older now, and haven’t played dress up in a while, I am still a dreamer.  I still imagine what I can become and who I will be.  Sometimes my dreams are a little bit fanciful, but most of the time, I am pretty sure that I could make them become reality if only I dream hard enough… and try hard enough.  Combining the two almost paradoxical parts of childhood and adulthood.

The past month or so, I’ve had the privilege of leading our Christian Medical and Dental Association Bible study through Matthew 13.  In it, Jesus tells a few parables which he starts, “The Kingdom of heaven is like…”

While we’ve traded the adventurous nature of our childhood for the responsibilities and cares of being a grown up, it seems like seeking the Kingdom of heaven is meant to be a grand adventure.  By seeking out the Kingdom, we have a chance to bring it here.  It is a place that only dreams are made of.

I think it was ingenious of the King to instill within us childlike wonder.  I think it was completely intentional that we must strive to keep this sense of adventure.  I also think that it is an act of the enemy of the King that he get us all wrapped up in our day-to-day business, forgetting what an adventure that we have been invited to take part in.

Last week, I downloaded a fabulous c.d. by Andrew Peterson for some finals’ week background music.  On it was a song that resonated with my dreamer's spirit, that called for us to be a part of this wonderful adventure.

Here, I’ll let you read the lyrics and be reminded of the call yourself:

Open the door and run outside
Your little boy heart alive
Into the morning light
Into the deep and wide

Dinosaur bones in the flowerbed
Rockets in the clouds
In a fight with a spider’s web
Tunnels in the ground

Winding to China
To the mist of the distant shore
Better be home by suppertime
Back through the planet core

Feel the beat of a distant thunder
It’s the sound of an ancient song
This is the Kingdom calling
Come now and tread the dawn

Come to the Father
Come to the deeper well
Drink of the water
And come to live a tale to tell

Pages are turning now
This is abundant life
The joy in the journey
Is enough to make a grown man cry
With a little boy heart alive

Kings and castles in the neighborhood
Swords on the forest floor
Dragons in the magic wood
Better saddle your battle horse

Fighting Goliath
Better choose your weapons right
Five little stones and a faith on fire
In a little boy heart alive

Met a kid at the railroad track
He had a stick and a nylon sack
I ran to the house to pack
I wanted to follow

Take a ride on the mighty lion
Take a hold of the golden mane
This is the love of Jesus
So good but it is not tame

Ever the road goes on and on
Ever the road goes on and on and on

Little Boy Heart Alive by Andrew Peterson

final thoughts

of the day, regarding finals and other parts of life 


" Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" -Mary Anne Radmacher


" Going one more round when you don't think you can- that's what makes all the difference in your life."  -Rocky

Bring me word of Your unfailing love

⁴ So my spirit grows faint within me;
   my heart within me is dismayed.
⁵ I remember the days of long ago;
   I meditate on all your works
   and consider what your hands have done.
⁶ I spread out my hands to you;
   I thirst for you like a parched land.
 ⁷ Answer me quickly, LORD;
   my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
   or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
⁸ Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
   for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
   for to you I entrust my life.
⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,
   for I hide myself in you.
¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
   for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
   lead me on level ground.
 ¹¹ For your name’s sake, LORD, preserve my life;
   in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
¹² In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
   destroy all my foes,
   for I am your servant.

Psalm 143:4-12

princess of procrastination

 It's the Sunday before finals, and I don't want to study any more.  I'm pushing through, but it's becoming a bit of a drudgery.

Just now, I was trying to remind myself that it is a privilege to be here, to be studying the wondrous workings of the human body, and this little verse popped into my head: 


“It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings.”  Proverbs 25:2


Hmmmm... I'm searching out things that God has concealed deep beneath my skin... does that mean that I'm completing a royal task?  Perhaps thinking of it that way would spice this whole studying thing up a little bit! 


Now where's my tiara?

gas prices

With Egypt setting the trend, insurgents are making their move across oppressed nations.  In the news this week is Libya.

How did I find out?  I'm in a little bubble of medical school, and in my own little bubble, all I knew about was the increasing price of gas.  I didn't know that my fuel came from Libya, which she isn't shipping because she has a few things on her mind. 

Here's a little of what I learned today (quoting from a UNICEF press release): 

“Political turmoil and violence has escalated, forcing a huge new wave of women and children to flee for safety into Tunisia. But their sheer number is overwhelming relief efforts on the border, and Tunisian authorities are periodically closing off the border. Many children are now trapped on the Libyan side, without water, without shelter, many injured with no medical care.”

and

“Nearly 100,000 people have already fled the conflict, and conditions in refugee camps in Tunisia and Egypt are already dire.”

Here I am, wondering how and why I'm gonna fill my gas tank at 3.35$ per gallon.

Half-way around the world, they’re wondering if they will be lucky enough to be allowed through to safety- if this will be the day that the border guards will let people through.  They’re wondering who around them might be the "bad guys."  Some of them might not be too sure which side is good.  They might be wondering if their families are alive, if their homes are still standing, and if they’re gonna have the food and water to make it through another day. 

The issues surrounding the conflict are much more complex, however, one thing is clear: freedom is bought at a price. 

Not only at the price of gas and of revolutionaries, but also at the price of innocent men, women, and children huddled on the border.  

And we worry about the price of gasoline...

Author's note: I would like gas prices to go down.  I'm on a semi-strict budget, and I would like to be able to gallivant around Missouri and Illinois over my up-coming spring break.  But there are just some things that put such freedoms of mine in perspective.