Teetering on the Edge of the Nest

Painting Pictures of Egypt
by Sara Groves

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I’ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

The words of this song have echoed through my head several times a day since coming home.

The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend...

The past… I’m missing Greenville: the people, as well as the comfortable routine I had settled into. I know it wasn’t perfect, but the memories are beautiful. And that’s what it is now… a memory.

I don’t want to leave here, I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way...

The present… mixed into the past… This place is like a time capsule gone bad. Everything is the same, but nothing is the same. I don’t fit in this town anymore. I am even struggling to find my place in this house after being “on my own” for the last year.

I was dying for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise and the things I know

The future… I’m fearful of the future. I know that what’s ahead is what I’ve always dreamed of, almost like envisioning my Promised Land. Even though I’m excited, I am so scared. What if what they say is true? What if I’m not responsible enough to keep myself focused throughout the next four + years? What if I have made poor relational decisions that will set me up for distraction and failure? What if I don’t have the strengths that are needed to become a doctor? What if it’s just too hard and I want to quit?

Growing pains hurt.

Dear self,

Maybe this is the nudge over the edge of the nest. Spread your little wings, tiny sparrow. The drop over the edge looks like a long fall, but your Father has instilled within you the means with which to fly.

Love,

catherine